graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holding on My life has gotten away from me a bit, and more specifically, I've been away from a computer so I haven't had any opportunity to update. My friend's funeral was devastating. It was open casket and as hard as I worked to turn my back to it and greet other friends, it was simply impossible to avoid seeing her. For two hours I stood in the back of the room as people remembered her, I silently willed her to wake up. She laid there like sleeping beauty - it was completely surreal. Toward the end I considered moving closer to verify that she is, indeed, dead, but I was shaking with grief and I couldn't trust myself not to reach out and shake her to give her one last chance to say, "Just kidding, everyone, I can't believe you were going to bury me alive!" I felt raw after that. A shell of a person. I felt guilt for leaving her a coffin in that Funeral Home and I felt worse guilt for not staying with her in the cemetary that first night - as if she shouldn't be left alone, in case it was a huge mistake and she was a alive...The energy was just sucked out of me for days and when I started to come out of that haze on Sunday, someone very close to me shared some very scary news. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone until we know what this situation is, so suffice it to say that I'm pretty preoccupied right now and really trying to hold my shit together personally and professionally. And that pretty much sums up my life at the moment. I'm not a religious person, but I might be getting there this week. Pray for me and pray for my family. I wouldn't ask unless we needed it. 9:14 p.m. - 2005-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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