graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spitting out bad apples I just did something that I am going to pay for dearly. Seems to be a growing trend for me. Once my shovel hits the ground and I start digging, I generally don't stop until I deep myself a nice deep hole. That sums up the last 6 weeks. First I bagged on the family dinner in Philly tonight. I just didn't feel up to it. I didn't have the money to get the train there and back, although that wasn't the issue because any family member would have given me money if I had gotten myself there. The truth is that I didn't feel like putting on a smile and being fun. I didn't feel like dressing up, which is what I do, who I am. It's only in the last two years that I bought a pair of jeans. I had errands to run and it was raining and so I cancelled on my brother's birthday dinner because I didn't think I could be fun. Instead, I ran errands and slept. Smoked and slept. I acquiesced to a friend who wanted to go out and he tricked me at the end of the night and invited his ex-gf who he recently reconciled with - no warning, she just waltzes into the bar and whispers "hello" into my ear. Who the f*ck is she to whisper in my ear? I didn't acknowledge her entrance. She stood behind me talking to him. I kept my back to them. He kicked me in the ass. Hard. I turned around and shot him a look. He moved behind her and gave me a look toward her, I turned back around and gave them both my back. Then he grabbed two of my last cigarettes and gave her one. That pissed me off. I started talking loudly about it to other people. She gave it back to him. He pushed it back to her. Another friend went in and ran interference. Chatted for a while. He kicked me again, harder. I turned around. "What the F*ck?" I yelled. Another look, I turned around again. He and the girl moved away. They moved closer to the bar, right in front of me in fact, so that I had to look at her while focusing on the person I was speaking to. A guy came up to talk to me, I one who I told was a player a few weeks ago. He was standing by my side and I watched her stare at him until he made eye contact and then tilt her head, toss her hair back and give him a giant smile. He said "hello," she smiled even bigger and reached out for his hand, pulling him in to her area right in front of me. So I did what I do. I retreated. I picked up my jacket and I walked out of the bar, with my beer. I went home. I have no time for this bullshit. She wants a confrontation, I won't give it to her. She doesn't mean enough to me. She wants a fight for her man, that makes it exciting for her, it always has. What she's never understood, is that she's dealing with someone who just doesn't care. I've never been one to respond to confrontation and I especially don't care about anything anymore. Right now, I don't fear death. I'm not welcoming it or encouraging it but if it happens, it happens. There is nothing right now that I care about enough to fight for. So I walked out of my bar, where all of my friends were and left them with her. I heard someone yell to me as I walked out, "but I came up here to see you!" He just called me, I accidentally opened my cell and closed it, thinking it would go to voicemail but apparently I hung up on him. That was unintentional, but it won't be perceived that way. The story behind my hate for her is long and detailed, a laundry list of grievances, times when I welcomed her and made allowances for her while she treated my friend like a doormat and was nasty to me. I have neither the time nor the desire to rehash it. The one thing I will say to her when she asks me, and she will ask me, is that yes, I do dislike her. I dislike her because she has never treated my friend with the respect that he deserves and I won't enable someone to mistreat my friends. I surround myself with good people consciously. It's not easy, weeding through the bad apples out there to make that I don't let someone in who is not worthy, but I do it. I expect the same from my friends and if I spot a bad apple, I will simply weed them out of my interaction. If she wants to be accepted, then she will have to prove to me that she deserves my friendship. I will not bend on this point. And until then, I will continue to ignore her. And they can continue to call my cell from the bar as they are doing right now from everyone's phone. I'm not picking up tonight. They should know not to f*ck with me on this issue, above all else in importance to me, are loyalty and good people. She is neither. She evil incarnate. And I'm not a fighter, but I will take her down if put to the test. I will not watch her destroy the people closest to me, not again. 2:35 a.m. - 2004-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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