graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Romantic Confusion I have a small problem. I guess it's not so much a problem as it is something that's been on my mind. There's a guy in my neighborhood with whom I've become friendly. We don't date, we haven't hooked up, we are just friendly. He came over and did some small apt repairs for me and we've hung out with some other people and hung out on our own. We're friends. The first time we hung out, he made a comment to me that basically said, give me a sign and I'll be with you. I didn't give the sign. He's super sweet and kind and stable. Thoughtful. But not my type. I thought things were cool and we had gotten past it. He's hooked up with other girls that I know and I've been laying low. What I've noticed is that he's intentionally backed off. I guess he's figured out that I'm not the kind of girl desperate for a relationship, in fact, I think I am pretty much the opposite of that. I am fully aware of the fact that not only am I not ready for the intimacy required in a relationship, when I am ready, I am going to need a strong lead to get me there. In business, when referring to my capabilities in relationships, it could be said that it's "not my skill set." So it dawned on me this past weekend, that he has intentionally pulled back thinking that I might need to come to him on my own. That he's waiting for me. We had a drunken conversation this weekend that left me stunned and speechless. I mean, I literally could not respond. He basically put it on the table that he's ready for "the girl" to come along. That when she comes he'll know she's the one and everything will fall into place. He'll change his ways and come home to her and things will be different. And then he looked me straight in the eye and said something along the lines of, she just has to be ready. At that time, as over the last few weeks, I just chalked it up to drunk talk. Until last night. Last night I was out with some friends and we ran into him. I was talking to my friends and he was on the outskirts of the group and overheard me remark that I would only be out for a half hour. I was exhausted. I knew he was listening and saw him give me a look. I called him on the look. "What is THAT for?" I asked. He replied and said, "Grace, I have a feeling you are just getting started." I could be reading into this, but I sense he wasn't talking about the evening. I stayed for a little, dancing around with one of my guy friends as he spun me around the bar and as I would come back around, I would catch this guy watching me. If I caught him, he'd look away. Same thing when I sat down. I could go there. He would be good to me. And maybe you can't know right away. Some people believe that you have to develop a relationship and give it a chance to know if it will work. I haven't even hooked up with this guy. I just have this gut feeling that trying out relationships isn't going to work out for me. I feel like I am going to feel something strong immediately. I believe in signs. I believe in passion. I believe in being swept away by emotion. But what if I'm wrong? I've only been swept away twice and they never panned out. Maybe I'm just believing in a dream about what love is. But then I look at who I am. When I try on shoes, I only try on what I'm 80% sure I am going to buy. I don't try on for fun. I don't buy clothes to grow into them. Why would that approach to a relationship work for me? I don't know. I guess I'm just confused right now. I'm just not sure where these paths are going to take me, if they lead anywhere at all. 8:01 p.m. - 2003-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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