graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coming Clean I'm not sure when I started to fuck up relationships in my life, I think it may have started in college. All the sudden things became complicated. At the end of high school I developed an eating disorder that I took to college. It's not something I've talked about; it's not something I want to talk about now. I still feel ashamed about it, mostly because when I had that problem, I felt the best about myself that I can remember. I felt like I had control over myself and ever since I moved beyond it I've never recaptured that feeling. I guess that's when my trouble with relationships started. When my eating disorder ended, I missed that feeling. I've done a lot of drugs but nothing ever really compared to that. Even so, after that period I did well at friendships. Making friends always came easily for me and because I had no other significant relationships, I had a lot of time to focus on maintaining friendships. I haven't been doing well on friendships or relationships for the past year and I think that's for a number of reasons. I've lost my desire to maintain relationships. It's too much work. It may be too much work and too much of a personal investment when I don't know where I want to go with my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't know where I want to live. Because of that, in my f-ed up head, I don't want to foster an emotional bond that I may have to sever if my life changes drastically. I also have a strong fear of rejection. The strongest. You might not recognize that if you met me in real life, I approach new people fearlessly, mainly because I trick myself into not caring. The truth is that I do care and that's why I work so hard to make everyone like me. In reality I usually don't have to work hard at it. Every so often an emotional bond sneaks up on me and that sucks because somehow, it just never works out in my favor. That's happening right now. I have to let go of someone I care about because I just don't know what to do fix the problem that I can't even identify. I feel like the situation has gotten past me and snowballed out of my grasp. Sometimes you just run the course with people and I sense that's what just happened to me. So what now? I don't know. I don't have the answers. I don't know if there are answers. I just wish that for once, I could have a storybook ending. Just once. 6:47 p.m. - 2003-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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