graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- men: feast or famine I have pages and pages to write about the weekend. It was filled with men. It's funny how when you reach that last straw and give up on men, that they line up for you. That's how it happened on Saturday night. Actually, it started last week but I don't have time to backtrack like that. I didn't go out Friday. Tuesday night had been enough for me plus I had that funeral out of town on Saturday. But Saturday came and I was feeling alone. I felt like I needed a friend or something and it's not in my nature to communicate that to the people in my life; it's easier for me to go out and seek someone new who can fulfill that need. I guess I'm kinda like a guy in that way - relationships are hard. And scary. I spent the day cleaning and the night with my roommate watching movies. Around midnight we each headed up to our rooms and I knew it would be another restless night. All week I had roamed the apt alone through the night, like it was the same week two years ago and I was waiting for the hospital to call with a new round of lists to review or a body in the morgue. This week in Sept. is the only time I have ever experienced insomnia and total exhaustion. There was that and the sense that I had lost someone that I never had, but whom I had allowed to become a part of my life and more than feeling angry at him for leaving me, I was irritated at myself for having these feelings in the first place, so at 1am, I went out alone. The weirdest thing happened. All of these guys were hitting on me. That's just not my thing. I carry myself in such a way so that men do not approach me unless I give the signal. That went out the window. I actually had a man tell me that he wanted a relationship with me. I tried to play dumb and he went through the steps of explaining what he meant by relationship. "You and will see each other beyond tonight, outside of this bar, in different environments - movies, dinner, etc." It was BIZARRE. After breaking it down that dude, a law student took his chance. This guy was relentless. I had to go to the bathroom and let my friend break it down for him. On my way to the bathroom, the first dude's friends started running interference for him and blocked my passage to the toilet. I humored them for about 2.2 seconds and then pushed my way through. When I got back to my spot, the law student smiled at me like a down syndrome child and told me that he had watched my spot for me as my friend tried to apologize for her failure with a pointed stare. It got ugly with the law student when he came back in and tried to put me on the phone with his friends. I pushed it away from me and told him that I didn't want to talk to strangers, I didn't even know him, and he said, but "my friends want to talk to the girl that I like so much that I want to spend all of my time with her." And he started grabbing.
I freaked out and told him to stop harrassing me. Two other guys had to get involved. The guy left and then came back and kinda got into my face saying that he wasn't harrassing me but he wanted me to leave with him. Finally, he left and some people made sure he walked down the street, but I started to get concerned about walking home alone. In my panic, I stupidly decided to go to another guy's house for late night. So now I find myself hanging out at some strangers' place for late night. Two girls and 4 guys. That was a whole other issue, but basically, it ended on me cutting out, forbiding any of them from walking me home (long, drawn out arguments over this) and me showing up at my deli to hide out from being followed. This is what's going down. And it's after 6am in the morning. Sunday continued to be crazy. One of the guys from the bar came over and fixed my grill, he and I started drinking and grilling. We hung out all night and talked, it was nice. We headed over to the bar around 10PM and met up with the other locals. It's pretty weird to have this new group of people in my life; what I liked the most about this bar is that I was anonymous. I came in, I sat alone, I could talk to people or I could not. It was the only place where I could be left alone. Now, having been pulled into this circle of people, I feel like I am back where I am in the other areas of my life. I'm back "on." So I'm thinking about disappearing from them. Before they get too attached and rely on me, I'd like to remove myself now. I just can't see another way. I don't want to get sucked in.... On the other hand, it's helpful to have a guy in the neighborhood with a toolbox. 12:37 a.m. - 2003-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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