graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Bit Broken Things are a whole lot of a mess right now. My personal life seems to be imploding in front of my very own eyes and there's nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it. My work is trapped in this officewide malaise that is astonishing. How can 50-some people be riding ambivalence together? Last week in therapy we agreed that I am a control freak who doesn't ask for help and pushes lines and limits. Today we agreed that I have been danger seeker and risk taker all of my life because I was desperate to elicit reaction from my unreactive parents - any reaction. We also agreed that that my reactions in life-threatening situations are always calm because I am also an unemotive, unreactor. I provoke life threatening conditions to test myself to see if I can feel or break down. Essentially, that if I were a teenager today, I would be a cutter. All things I knew, but agreed upon today. Perhaps discussing this outloud or writing about it will change things. I've been an attention whore for a long time but I always thought it was because I am a needy, drama queen. Turns out I've been an attention whore because I've desperate for some type of reaction from my parents my whole life. And that's pretty much the truth. Something that I thought about afterward is that I can't remember my parents ever hugging me until I became an adult. I can remember how I used to sit on my father's lap. I loved to sit on his lap or get a horse ride on his leg, I think I may have done that because I craved contact. And I guess that's why I never was a hugger until just a few years ago. We just didn't touch much, in my family. All of this self awareness and evaluation comes, not ironically, as I hobble around on crutches and an aircast because I blew my ankle last weekend, doing some crazy dance moves in 4-inch mules to The Clash. There's some pride in having incurred this injury during "Should I Stay or Should I Go," because if you're going to tear yourself apart, I can't think of a better song to do it to. Like I said, things are a whole lot of a mess right now. I've really been fucking things up with some friends and cool people and I just can't seem to stop myself. I'm imploding in every way right in front of my eyes. It's like a book that you want to reach into and stop the main character but being a passive participate to the pre-written story, you have to just soldier through every chapter and hope for some twist in the plot that makes everything come out alright in the end for our heroine. I'll tell you, I'd like to put this book down and that's what I'm going to do for a few weeks. Just take a reading break. Maybe by then I'll be able to stomach the rest of the story. I just want to stop, you know? Stop fucking things up in my inter personal relationships. Seems like lately, every thing is the wrong thing. Every action, every word, every thought. It's just wrong. I'm making a lot of bad calls and I don't like it. So like I was saying, I'm just going to take myself out of the game for a while, let this broken wing of mine heal and maybe the inner bird, too. Maybe I'll get some gd sense in my head by then and figure things out. Or at least figure out how to act like a civilized person again. Stranger things have happened. 8:54 p.m. - 2005-06-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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