graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's not always a winner, sometimes it's just a tie I attended my 10 year college reunion last weekend. I spun into a tailspin prior to the event, absolutely dreading the thought of it. I hate reunions because I just don't feel that I have anything to share; I feel like I have no accomplishments. I spoke with a friend of mine before I left and he said, "You're a VP!" and he convinced me that even though I didn't think so, there were people that were going to be at that reunion who had wondered what had happened to me and would be elated to see me. He was right. People did say there were excited to see me. Two guys came up and gave me huge hugs and took me aside later and told me drunkenly that they had always loved hanging out with me and they said that I still made them smile every time they looked at me. That was nice. It's the girls that are the problem; the girls are always the problem. Scrutinizing everything. Every highlight, every stitch of clothing, every pound, every line in every face, every carat in every ring - or every lack of carat - if like me, you have no engagement ring. I hid behind a trailor for a bit to get out of their glare at the dinner dance. I hid in a dorm room, I hid in the bathroom stall, I hid everywhere I could. They are and were brutal. And they make me feel like shit, in all of their Stepford glory and that's the truth. So I ended up getting myself incredibly, horrifyingly drunk and high and vomited all the way home in a packed car with my friends, having to throw up in plastic bags. And then I started hysterically crying, because I was throwing up in plastic bags in the backseat of a car. Crying and puking all over myself. The whole thing was just awful. I will never go to a reunion again. I thought that was a pretty assute assessment. That's pretty much what I do. I am controlling and I do like to see how far I can go. I like to see how far I can push myself personally and I like to see how far I can push other people. I do this because I am bored and it's entertainment for me. I am frequently feeling unchallenged. There's only one person in my life who I never became bored with and he's not in my life anymore. I've been thinking about control a lot tonight. I'm controlling and I do it in a way with a lot of sugar and smiles so that people frequently don't realize that I am controlling them and do what I want them to do. Now that I see what I've been doing, I realize that I was doing it with this new friend of mine and he recognized it and pushed back at me and I was falling into my old ways. I was walking away from him. I was going to cut him off because he wasn't yielding to manipulation and by cutting him off, I probably would have broken him down too until he did what I wanted. Someone said to me a few years ago, referring to relationships, "It's not always about being in control. It's not about breaking someone or being broken. It doesn't have to be like that." I remember thinking how wrong he was and dismissing that comment and now... Well, let's just I'm seeing a lot of things differently. 9:52 p.m. - 2005-06-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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