graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes It's been a wild ride the last few weeks. The monster announced that he is moving out of state to start a new life. Some people feel that I drove him out of town. In just a matter of weeks, too, and that seems to have elevated me into a position of awe in some peoples' eyes. All I felt was relief when he announced it. I felt happy for him because he needs to move. He never would have had a life here. In some way, I suspect that I would always somehow mar his life here, like a etching in a glass washed too many times in a hard water dishwasher; a permanent mark cut into the glass, rather than a smudge that would rub clean. Would that the break would be so clean, but that would never happen to me. I had about a week to breathe a sigh of relief, before it was announced that our two close friends (respectively), got engaged. We spent two years trying to set them up, they finally got together and have been dating for just over half a year and now are engaged. And so I will have a permanent link to the monster. And such is the tangled web I weave, tying the knot. Brilliant, really, when you think about it. Regardless of this personal insanity, I have been managing to take care of myself. Staying away from bad drug behaviors, focusing on work, taking time to relax and regroup and when necessary, standing up for myself. Like I said, it's been a wild ride. In a matter of days, I've felt sure this was it, that I was going to let go and just crumple to a complete mess on the ground, waiting for the men in white to come and take me away. Lock me up and finally to be free of life. Free of responsiblity and adulthood and everything that comes with it. And then, I did drop out and started to see things a little bit clearer. I started to feel like someone was easing open a clamp that tightens in my back and clamps me upward and propels me forward. Looking back looks like air being relieved from a taut, overheated tire. This therapist today told me that when she listens to me, she just hears a scared little girl. And she's sorry that no one was there to help me when I needed it. Not that I need it now, she acknowledges. But I needed it then. That's something I didn't like to hear but I understood it. I'm definitely in a position of deep self-awareness right now. That sounds so pompous, even as I type it. Pretentious, when I re-read it. I'd hate me, as a reader, but it's just the truth. I don't think it's necessarily this therapist; speaking things outloud that I've never told anybody is something very different for me and it's educational. I don't want to use the word freeing, because that's completely retarded, but it's something along those lines. I'm starting to understand my actions and why I've done what I've done in my life. Good and bad things, I just get it. Now I just need to figure out how to change it. 10:02 p.m. - 2005-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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