graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's good have goals. Unfortunately, I've never had any. I haven't had a cigarette in 8 days. Essentially, I've been out drinking, partying, acting like I'm a 22-year-old filthy wannabe LA starlet heiress but I haven't had a g*ddamn drag of a cigarette. The hypnosis or subliminal suggestion or whatever the hell they did to me kinda wore off on the 7th day but at that point, I thought, I haven't had a cigarette in 7 days, it's over. I'm clearly beyond the physical addiction, best to forge on at this point and be rid of the filthy habit forever. And so I am. I still stand outside of bars and chat with the smokers. I don't find anything at all odd about this, they are my people; for the love of God, I was their leader! I think it makes a lot of them uncomfortable because they shift around and try not to blow smoke in my face and appear pained as they smoke, even though I tell them they are being absolutely ridiculous and stop worrying about me. I really don't care. I'm just out to shoot the shit. So that's the gig. Beyond that, I'm really trying to get my shit together this week. I've been out of control and I need to reign it back in, buckle down, focus and act like an adult. Or as much of an adult that I can muster. I was thinking today, maybe I should jump on that introvert side of my personality that I bury? Maybe get into academia, explore my intellectual and literary side, get out of this crazy life in this bungy of a town and get myself to a place where I ride a bicycle to a campus, wear twinsets and pearls and share my knowledge and experiences with a new generation. And maybe I could learn to garden? Or hire a gardener. What I need is some stability because I am all over the place right now. High voltage shocking other high voltage. All of out of good influences. I miss spending time and talking to people in a place where they don't have to shout what they're saying over the latest song from The Arcade Fire or 25 other cracked out people talking at once. I just feel like everything's been really crazy lately. Like watching Trainspotting on High Speed. Someone reminded me yesterday of what it's like to speak at a normal speed a normal level without the world screaming and yelling and tweaking, all at the same time, around you. Listening to someone speak softly, slowly and sincerely without 3 other people speaking at the same time. Listening to me. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I want more of that. So that's the goal then. 9:32 p.m. - 2005-04-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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