graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Living that 25th Hour I came home tonight, drunk, and watched part of the 25th Hour. The 25th Hour is a movie that haunts me. If I were forced to chose a character that I most identify with, in a film, I might choose Ed Norton. That struck me tonight, never before had I understood what made me so uncomfortable about that film. Like the character in the film, I have deep, diverse friendships and relationships that I forge and none of them understand each other. In fact they blame themselves and each other when things wrong with me, and this perpetuates with my trait of not disclosing feelings or happenings to amyone in my life. Some people are more embedded than others, but no one knows it all. If they think they know it all, I walk. I lose interest. I am turned off. Some of the scenes mirror my life. I was in that back room scene. I wasn't going to jail and no one was beaten like that. The interrogation was the same. The man behind the desk, the nightclub, the Russian bodyguards. The transparent threats. The inquisition. I imagine I held the same blank face and stance as Ed Norton. Maybe not, I wasn't looking into a mirror. Tonight I went out with one of my college friends, one of the WACO group. It made me nostalgic for that girl I was, yet I know I was never as innocent as the rest. It makes me happy to connect with them. I spend almost all of my life starting over ever day. God forbid I carry over friends from the year before. I wish I didn't do that. I am the only one of the group who doesn't stay in touch. The entire rest of the group is making childcare and travel arrangements to attend the Waco BBQ in two weeks. I lied and said I can't make it. I don't know why. I just did. They know me, they know I am lying about it. They know that I love them but I am too independent to step back into time, my focus has always been on moving forward. That tendency of mine made me feel badly tonight. I don't know why I do that. When I show up to these things people are genuinely nice and I have a great time, it's almost as if I am afraid that stepping into a picture frame with everyone too frequently will muddle the watercolors of our memories. I want them to stand still in time and keep painting new scenaries. Things came to a head today with my best guy friend. He's working to rebuild our friendship after his ex-gf's incident of last weekend. I told him that I don't want to see him right now. That my confidence and trust in him is gone and that I need some time. That he should work on himself and I would take some time to move past what happened. I felt badly about saying this to him and wrote a long, heartfelt letter to him about what I am thinking. It was easier to do than I thought. There's more to everything, but I am tired and flying out to Ohio tomorrow. Things are hectic. I'll catch up on Sunday. 11:41 p.m. - 2004-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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