graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Learning to Trust People I cried tonight. I knew it was coming and it was a relief to finally cry. I cried in front of my roommate, which is only fair since both of them have been crying to me for months. My job is overwhelming. I am a person who gets things done, so I rarely get overwhelmed. I have this project that I am working on that could be this HUGE thing, but we are understaffed, underfinanced and racing against the clock to make it happen. These elements leave giant room for error and there is no room for error on this. It's too important of an initiative and to be honest, error could result in death or injury. The risk is high. Really fucking high. The payoff is big too. If I can pull this off I will be a superstar. I've been working my ass off to make sure it's done right. The required logistics and the diplomacy among participants are enormous. As a result, I am beat down. My head aches when I leave the office around 11PM. I sleep a few hours and then I work out and rush back to work. I missed two workouts last week from sheer exhaustion. I'm out of touch with my friends. I can't keep up. And then there's my personal life. What personal life? That thought process pretty much broke me down today. I guess I should start with Friday. That day I worked late and I came home and went to be around 10:30PM and slept until noon. I forced myself out of bed at noon, when the truth was I wanted to lay there and sleep for the rest of the day. I had to get to Fed Ex to pick up and urgent package that was sent to my doorman-less apt and couldn't be rerouted. At Fed Ex around 2PM, the calls started to roll in on my cell. Calls from all over the country related to the project. I spent the next 4 hours on back to back calls on my cell, barely realizing that I had walked from 11th Ave to 3rd Avenue, from 42nd to 50th and back down to 38th, trying to respond to all of the people with vested concern in said project, while attempting to get some errands done that I can't do at any other time. I came home around 6PM, maybe 7PM, still on the phone. Once I was able to get off the phone and go to my room, I had both roommates in my room, laying on my bed that I had wanted to lay on, looking to talk about their problems. I was related to stand on my little balcony and listen to both of them, provide the same input I have provided countless times, for a few hours. I finally was able to nap for a short period and when I woke up, I just didn't want to go out. My friend called to give me the addresss of the bar everyone was going to and let me know that they were fully loaded with a lot of blow. I don't want to do blow anymore. I'm done. I checked out of the blow category. It makes me feel like shit for days after anymore, it's not fun for me, I'm done. So then I didn't want to go out because then I have to make a choice and say no. And that's not the issue, the issue is hanging out with a bunch of people partying their faces off, talking a mile a minute having a love fest. I just couldn't do it. So I started to clean the kitchen while thinking about my night. I definitely needed to go out and blow off some steam. I had made a promise to myself to stop hanging out only at my local, so I was going to have to do something. While cleaning, I just kinda gave up. I started thinking about how tired I am, with work, with life and I couldn't imagine putting on a brave face and a smile for the rest of the world. I really just wanted to die. I thought about taking some pills or cutting myself and calling 911, just to get a break. I actually thought that maybe if I just ATTEMPTED suicide, I could get some rest and people would leave me the fuck alone. That's how tired I am. I dimissed the suicide thought because with my luck, I would die and the truth is, I don't want to die. Not right now. My newly single roommate talked me into going out downtown. I haven't been out downtown in so long, so I caved in and went. The beginning was tough. I didn't want to go in the bar because I was feeling ugly and the place was a cross btwn a club and a lounge filled with young shiny faces. I felt subpar to the crowd. I shrugged that off and went inside. A friend tried to help me take my coat off and I snapped, I pulled it back and I yelled at her to stop it. That wasn't a nice thing to do, I felt badly and I didn't want to talk anyone, so I started downing drinks. My roommate met a guy when she went to order a drink and that was the last I saw of her. That's how it works. We walk into a bar, she meets someone. I started to loosen up. Then the blow train called, looking for some fun. I told them where I was and they blew in about a half hour later, 20-odd strong grinding their teeth, hooting and hollaring. Their energy lifted me. I started to dance around. They offered me coke and I said no, thanks. I felt even better. Then some chick stepped on my foot. I was wearing 3 inch heels with an ankle strap, she had on stillettos. I screamed so loud, the bar almost stopped. I am not a screamer, I have an enormous threshold for pain. I know she felt I was overreacting when she turned to apologize but I felt her heel pierce the skin that covers the top portion of my foot. I knew it was bad. I leaned done with my lighter to assess the damage. Her heel had sliced deep into my foot. It was pretty bad. I went up to the bar and ordered another drink and a shot. The bartender bought the shot for me. He knew it was bad as well. The bartender was also very hot, so I was trying to be brave. Other shots were sent over from my roommate and the guy she met upon entering the bar. Just two and I did them both. Then it was last call. I was the last one of out of the bar and someone had my knee-length leather jacket and scarf for me. I put the scarf on and we jumped in a taxi. My friend called my local and told them to expect us and unlock the door, we were coming in. I went into the bar, threw my coat and scarf on a chair and walked to the back where there were a few people hanging out for late night. We stayed for 1 drink and went to leave. My coat was gone. My keys were in the pocket. My new keys. Screwed. I was pissed off. Drunk, with an injury and pissed off. Some guy asked me to go to late night, so I said yes and we all left. Him, me and my 2 friends. It was around 5am. I left latenight briefly to meet my other roommate and get her keys to get in later. I apparently tried to get her to go to latenight and she wouldn't have it. Somewhere along the way, I ran into this guy I know from the neighborhood and with him, we ran into P., a bartender from our local who had left with a woman earlier but now was alone on the street. I'm not sure how or where I found them, but I did, and I brought them both back to latenight. I smoked someone's pot and took a few sips of this cocktail that this dude made for me. He's a shady dude. Super shady. I started to have a bad feeling about how things were going down. I bolted. I bolted right out of that apartment, leaving my two friends and everyone else inside. I ran to the elevator and got inside, and when I did, everyone ran in with me. My 2 friends, and the two guys. The shady got ran out also and stopped the elevator, pleading with me not to go. "Grace! What are you doing, don't do this. Come on, just step off the elevator and come back inside. Please." No, I said. I'm not coming back in. I'm out. I need to go. These peopl can stay, I'm not trying to take everyone with me. P. spoke up. I forget what he said. Things appeared calmer, so I hit "door close" and we left. When I got outside, I was having a problem walking. The booze, that dude's pot and that weird cocktail - not sure which or if all but it hit me and I started to stumble. One of the guys put my arm around his neck and pretty much carried me home. It was around 7am. One of the girls slept over. Today I hurt. I woke up around 11am, miserable. I had to work and my roommate was missing all day, I was tired and concerned. I started thinking about my life. What I'm doing wrong. Not having time for anything but work, opening up and starting to trust but doing it with the wrong people, people who can never be there for me, the whole mess. I went to see the one person who always makes me feel better, J. the owner of my local bar. I ate some popcorn and drank 7-up and didn't have to think about anything. He just makes me laugh. he's such a good guy, the last of good guys. Good people, you know? My roommate turned up and came to the bar to tell me about how well she was laid. Reality came back. We talked about her green monkeys, the last thing that I wanted to do while feeling overwhelmed and that I can't be loved. Meanwhile, she walks into a bar and a man professes love. We went back to our apt to sort out her issues and I just lost it. I mean, I told her I didn't wnat to hear about it, and I totally understand that she needed to talk about it. I just couldn't be the one there for her. So I started to cry. I tried not to cry and I told her that I was trying not to cry and then before I knew what happened, I am sitting on the couch crying about how I am overwhelnmed with life and I will never be loved. About how she can be single for two weeks and has already met two guys that have told her they want to be with her and I am just waste. Unwanted waste. I said that I had gotten too close to someone that was unrealistic for me to think about getting close to and that I just realized this a year down the road and I know that friendship as it was is over and now I just feel sad. I felt like the weight of the world was on me and that it was useless to keep pushing up to keep the weight from squashing me. It's just too hard. And then she said things that made me feel better. That it's good that I trusted someone and that means that I can trust other people now. Caswe in point, I allowed someone to take care of me last night and get me home. I've never done that before. That the reason I don't meet a guy when I walk into a bar is because I am picky and because I don't put myself out there. But those are things that can change. The biggest piece of what's coming together for me is resolving the trust issue and I'm there and I can do it again and the next time it will be better because it will be right. I guess I feel okay now. I'm pretty tired but in a good place mentally. I'm doing all of this life learning at a rapid speed and it's overwhelming for me. I think other people figured this stuff out in high school and college and I'm doing all in one fiscal. It's like a berlitz. Let's hope the payoff is worth it. 10:08 p.m. - 2003-11-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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