graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Learning from friends More and more I'm feeling like this move was the right thing for me to do for myself. I had lunch today with my closest friend in high school. She's the only person from high school that I keep in touch with and one of the few girls that I was close to. I tended to hang out more with guys; so did she, and not just the one she was dating du jour. She got out of town after high school, as did I, and has spent the years since then living in Miami and Chicago. Now, like me, she wants to move to Philly. As we caught up, we realized that we are both at the same point in life. Looking to slow down and make some changes personally and professionally to do so; knowing that the end goal is settling down and having kids, but not having a clue what the next steps are to get to that point. My friend is at a point I passed, wondering where the time has gone. Looking at all of the people we went to high school with, who never left the small town, and are married with kids and living in houses that used to be filled with other kids *we* knew in grade/high school. Wondering about the path they took and where she was when everyone went down that road. I told her where she was - the same place I was - in a hot club or backstage at a show. Dancing until the sun came up in hot clubs and vacationing all around the world. Our classmates were at the bars in the town we grew up in, being bored, getting drunk, laying down with the same guys we grew up with. We left because we feared that. We never considered the alternatives. At least I didn't. I just wanted out. Today I more fully realized why she and I were drawn to each other in high school, or maybe she pointed it out. We're both independent women, to a fault. I'm not sure if that was how we were born or how we were raised. Both of us were the youngest to older parents, and our parents have that German demeanor, so maybe they were tired and not of nuturing natures. Maybe we spent too much of our childhood among adults. Whatever it was, we were always independent. We floated above most of the gossip and drama in school because we didn't care about it. We had the luxury of floating from clique to clique in school without having to commit to one: cool girls, jocks, nerds. We talked to everyone. We befriended anyone we liked. We didn't have to worry about being expunged from a group for sitting with smart kids at lunch. We still got invites to every party. We were the only two who did that, to my recollection. That's all well and good. It got me through life comfortably. But we're independent to a fault. We never need help. We don't need to depend on anyone, because we've got it. We don't know how to ask for help because help was never there for the most part, we were raised doing for ourselves. WE don't know partnership. At least I don't. My pattern is intimacy with one person, because I like company. I don't dislike being alone, but I'd established this pattern of keeping a companion. I made a decision when I moved to make this somewhat of a sociological experience for myself. No more best friends. Definitely no more guy friends. I need to get myself straightened out. Get to know myself, what's good and what needs to be improved. I have to admit. I somewhat miss being part of a team. It's nice to have a special connection with someone. 9:51 p.m. - 2006-11-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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