graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our little moving breakdown I had the meltdown to end all meltdowns on the train to Philly on Friday night. After lugging my way through the rain with a big piece of luggage and large work bag to work and then sfter work, running 3 blocks in the rain to the bowels of the subway to my stop and then navigating up many levels with my gear on a healing sprained ankle and increasingly painful knee resulting from keeping weight off said ankle, I had to stand for over an hour and wait for my delayed train. Finally, as I was pulling into the Philly station, my brother, who was hosting me for the night, said he couldn't wait the 5 minutes it would take me to get to his house and that he would leave the door open and his roommate - whom I'd never met - would be there. I silently lost it. I was tired and the work involved with this move just hit me all at once, completely overwhelming me. I began to silently cry, not too bad, until I stood up to wait by the exit to get off the train and I broke. Tears streaming down my face, I put my sunglasses on, but they didn't cover my hands or lips that began trembling. A woman about my age standing behind me, gave me some napkins and asked me if I was ok. I couldn't even answer. She helped me to the taxi's. Once in the taxi, I began to cry harder and harder, trying to muffle the sounds. The driver was curteous enough to intentionally not look at me. By the time we reached my brother's, I could barely breathe or stand. I got inside his house and stopped texting my oldest friend because I could only tell her I was breaking down and not explain why via text. I called her and decimated. For about 20 minutes we were on the phone and for the first 3 minutes I was bent over gasping for breath. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get a full breath in and she could hear me gasping but not speaking. So little air was getting into my lungs that I bent over at the waist, holding my chest trying to push down my chest to stop the spasms before I passed out from hyperventilation. I didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to do, she keep trying to help me breathe and I just couldn't. It was terrifying. I was able to calm down enough to breathe again and when she called me again 20 minutes later, I was still crying enough that I hadn't been able to order dinner. I cried from about 8:30PM until 11PM when I dozed off on the couch I was sleeping on. I woke up for a bit because another roommate came in. Spoke with her and when she left, I cried again for another half hour. My brother came in around 1 am and went upstairs. I remember crying in the dark in the silent house, wondering if I would ever stop crying. I woke up every hour or so. When I woke up the next morning, I was exhausted. My eyes were swollen beyond belief; it almost looked like I had pink eye. My cousin came to take me apt hunting and asked me if I was going to be able to do the apt hunting. I nodded. The truth was I hadn't been that emotionally exhausted since I was 20 and stranded in Austria, alone, with no money and allowed myself to be locked into an old farmers' barn for the night in exchange for what translated to $20 American dollars that I found left in my backpack from Oktoberfest. Relocating to another state or city is a lot of work. And doing it by yourself in less than 4 weeks, while working at your job and using spare time to brief yourself on your new job is hard. Compound this with trying to find an apartment from another city, while tying up the last 11 years of your life in your home base, can make a person feel like they are permanently stretched on the rack and being tortured. I have 3 days in NYC after my last work day, to pack my life and move. No husband or boyfriend to help. My parents are close to 70, so they're out. And my brother is useless. It's a lot. I know it'll be worth it and I am excited, but I can't wait until I sign my new lease and start my job. Then I'll be jumping for joy. Oh, so I found a new apt! I love it so much! Fingers crossed that I pass the credit check! Very concerned about that so please think of me and send positive thoughts. 7:49 p.m. - 2006-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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