graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Focus and lack thereof

I'm having a bitch of a time tonight, so let's see if I can get this up.

My broadband provider, a *leading* provider of broadband, natch, is down but get this - the service is only down on my exact block. What are the effing chances?! This massive 5 borough city and my stinkin' block is down!

So I'm "borrowing" someone else's wifi. Let's hope I don't lose the connection.
~*~
It's been a great week, since I've been off for most of it. We like that, we like it a lot. We don't love having so much extra time to think, but we've been doing less and less of that now that we are on the medication. The mind racing isn't nearly what it was.

That said, it comes at times. I have short spurts when I think of everything at once and then I focus on the present - these spurts make me all the more happy to be medicated. I had no idea how extraordinarily fast my mind had been working. It's a wonder I made it this far, without completely losing my mind. (I jest.)

But truly, my mind used to think about many things at once, however, I was able to internally compartmentalize the topics. I could actively converse about a topic, while at the same time analyze another one at the same time internally. Sometimes jumping around internally to several topics. I think this is hereditary; I think my mom does this too but she's not as good at hiding it. Or, maybe she's becoming less skilled at hiding it with age. I can recognize her mind racing when I observe her. I observe everyone, it's my passion.
~*~

I read about a lot of news this weekend and I realize what's missing from my life for the first time is a an intellectual equal.

This "alone" experiment has shown me that I chose to attach to men who are intellectually appealing. I have a critical need for an equal if not superior verbal sparring partner and right now I am, sadly, intellectually celibate. It effing sucks. Zek was great to talk to. So was the monster during his first run with me. And especially the one between between the monster episodes. He may tie with Zek. He gave really really good discourse.

I'm not depressed but realized I'm lonely. I miss male companionship. I *like* men. I can't help myself.
~*~
And one more random thought...really quickly on a beautiful day that reminded me of another time, I thought about September 11, 2001. I thought, or I dreamed, that a giant cloud of smoke cleared and on the other side of it. I saw almost 3000 people standing together in a group. They hadn't died. They were together abducted somewhere...part of some elaborate global, political, social experiment. We weren't at war, young soldiers weren't dying, everything was okay because those people were alive. A little older but alive.

And in that second, everything was okay for the first time in 5 years. The last five years were erased. Everything was ok again.

And *FLASH* that dream was over and I knew I had dreamt it. I'm here, they're still gone, the last 5 years have happened and the world has spun ahead. We've all changed and that's that.
~*~
I've thought about maturity and how I am very behind in that. I need to start thinking about a future - financially and otherwise. That's providing me with a new focus.

2:14 a.m. - 2006-07-07

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