graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Things are getting better

Twice in two days, I've been stopped and asked about my perfume. Yesterday by a woman in my apartment building, whom I've always secretly envied. She's European, with a clever looking mincooper she always parks illegally outside and equally cool European boyfriend and gorgeous European clothes. Funny how European clothes - even the pieces sold at mass, are so much better quality than our clothes. From the fabrics to the stitching, just more well made.

I've often wanted to stop her and tell her how gorgeous her personal style is or specific items that's she's worn, but she has that European air that intimidates me from doing so. Plus, this is New York; we don't talk to either.

Yesterday she stepped into the elevator with me and we rode in silence until she said, "What is that perfume you wear?" I told her and in her accent she smiled and said, "It's gorgeous. I've always wanted to ask you. You always smell like fresh flowers."

I think that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
*~*
I feel like my friends are talking about me and think I am crazy because of all of these examinations. I should start by saying that the examinations embarrass me. And the only reason I've been sharing information with them is because when it started, they yelled at me for not keeping them in the loop and going alone to the ER.

I wish that they, or someone, could connect to sensor and feel the symptoms and pain that I've been feeling when the attacks hit. I truly have a high threshold from pain, but this pain, is terrifying. I can't describe it other than the fact that it feels like my heart is going to explode inside of my chest after speeding up out of control.

And even if I tell myself it's a panic attack, I can't seem to send the message from my brain to control my heart. All I hear is the pounding of my heart in my ears and this tightness in my chest and then it becomes hard to breathe. Twice I passed out from it.

It's really frustrating because I don't feel like my friends understand. These attacks have worn me down personally, with my work tiring me too and these attacks that last for 8-10hours at a time with my heartbeat anywhere from 112 to 163, it's made me really emotional. So when my friends say, "You need to go to a shrink" or something flippant like that, I get frustrated. And sometimes, I've gone home and cried.

I just don't feel like anyone understands and it makes me not want to keep them updated even though they ask me too.

On the upshot, thank God for my Mom. She and I have never been close but since all of this started 3 weeks ago, we speak every day and she reassures me and answers my questions. She was hospitalized for the same thing several times when she was my age and also sent to a cardiologist, same diagnosis. Same with my aunts on both sides of the family. And my cousin has had similar problems also.

My mom just keeps reminding me to ignore everyone. They haven't experienced it and everyone unfortunately, in life, has their share of problems. They will understand some day, she says.

It's just really hard for me right now, because I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm working hard to reprioritize and take care of myself and to have my friends laugh me off, is upsetting. And lately, this who whole breaking down thing, has been making me cry alot. And I'm really not a crier. It's not my nature. But the way people have been treating me for the last month, on top of everything else, it's just been really hard.

And some of them have said things drunk that they said they didn't mean and apologized for later, but like I said, it's just been really hard for me lately.

So those compliments over the last two days, meant more than those strangers will ever know.

9:59 p.m. - 2006-05-04

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