graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Big Picture Thinking

So much for that plan, I spent last night in the hospital.

I'm ok. I'm really tired. Apparently on the verge of what they medically call "exhaustion." And my heart's been beating real fast.

Last night was really scary. Being alone in the ER while strangers stand over you and connect all areas of your body to loud machines as they poke and prod you. I laid there and just inwardly coached myself to remain calm, as my conscience kept asking myself if this was it, is this how I was going to die? Young and alone in an ER?

They kept me overnight because they couldn't stablize my heartrate. As they released me in the early morning, they sat me down and explained what's up with my heart and my whole system that's going haywire from what they call "absorbing" stress. It's not just my own stress, although I guess that'd be enough. I absorb my client's stress on a day to day basis and I don't provide another outlet for it, which is now affecting my internal organ/system. It's running me ragged and breaking me down.

I love the friends who freak out when they find out I'm in the hospital and lecture me. Do they not realize it's the anxiety about this that placed me IN the hospital in the first place? "Things need to change" or "This needs to stop." No shit sherlock. You think I'm going to the ER for fun on a Thursday night? Is this something to pass the time for me? Do you realize that I am scared shitless laying on a bed in a crowded ER that they rushed me into, past people stabbed, beaten and bleeding, for immediate attention? Do you not think for a minute that my mind is racing to think about all of the triggers that could have caused this and working to formulate a plan to change my life so that I don't have to feel like my heart is going to explode inside of me after a long day at work when I just want to lay down?
I'm concerned, that's for sure. I've spent the day thinking about it, what else can you do but think about it when they tell you that you can't go to work today and write you a note like a school kid? I cried. I cried when I was laying there thinking that I should call someone to let them know that I was in the ER but couldn't think of someone to call or someone I wanted to call - someone who wouldn't come and pass judgement on me for self creating my own problems. Crying is my new past time, I think.

I sent a text message to my brother last night to let him know that I was in the hospital and ok. I called him today at work to follow up. He never called me back.

I have some desicions to make and actions to take to change my life. My health is my priority.

10:29 p.m. - 2006-04-21

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