graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Making myself happy Last week, I had a nervous breakdown. I know I joke a lot about having nervous breakdown's, but I think it finally happened. I was busy all week. Lots of work obligations nearly every night after work. I hadn't heard from my best guy friend in over a week that's been making me feel off. That in itself is an alien feeling for me, since I've lived a life never having a best friend and being fancy free of ties to any one person. Now all the sudden I have this best friend and he up and ditched me. Nothing like being on the other side of the coin. I guess I was overtired last week. On Thursday I started having trouble breathing while at work so I went outside and walked around and I started to feel better. Back at my desk, the trouble breathing started again and finally, I broke down and called my friend and after speaking with him for about an hour, I could breathe regularly again. I guess I was having another anxiety attack. I have no idea why I was having the attack, it wasn't a spectacularly anxious day, but I had just gotten my period and my emotions were careening out of control. I had been having these insane thoughts at my desk, deliberating over what my life might be like should no one ever fall in love with me and vice versa. Nothing like light, easy thoughts at work. I went to a work function that night and I drank enough to have a nice buzz on when I left around 9:00pm. On my way home, an incredible sadness permeated me. I laid back in the taxi and I felt like my heart was thinly blown glass shattering in below freezing temperatures. Frissures and cracks crawling and spreading like roots to a tree would grow, all inside of me. I stared outside at the familiar passing blocks along Madison, stores I can't afford to shop in but have passed for more than 10 years, and for no particular reason at all, suddenly my buzz turned cold. I simply wanted to cry. I made it home into my apartment, washed my face and undressed for bed. I laid in my bed and tried to fall asleep. I tried to think happy thoughts and each time, terrible thoughts would interrupt me. I would hear a little voice saying, end this> End it now before it gets worse. It's just going to get worse with each year. You'll never be loved. I became desperate. I couldn't lay down. And so, sitting on my bed, in the pitch black room, I called a friend. And I began to cry. I could barely speak at points. Tears fell so fast down my face and onto my sheets that the triangle of open space between my legs that were folded indian style where I sat on my bed, that spot was soaked with tears. My top was wet and stuck to my skin. I cried tears that I never knew I had and I told her that I was having terrible thoughts about myself. Terrible thoughts that I couldn't stop. And she listened and asked some questions. After about an hour on the phone, I had regained my sanity. I was exhausted, shaken. My guy friend called and I spoke with him. I told him that I had just had a breakdown. (And I wonder why he's been incommunicado? Can't blame him.) And as usual, he was able to put into words exactly what I had been thinking and feeling but hadn't been able to convey fully to my other friend. He's like a psychic, I think. It's bizarre. After we hung up, I must have passed out from exhaustion. I woke up early and rushed to an 8am breakfast downtown. I was still exhausted but I finally felt like the cobwebs had cleared and I had made it over some type of obstacle that had been sitting in front of me for a long time. I thought about something that my friend said to me when I called her during the breakdown, "Grace, I think you've been depressed for a long time now and you didn't know it. I think this breakdown is a good thing because it's your realization finally that something is really wrong with you and it's your chance to fix it and start over." I *have* been depressed for a long time. I've been going through the motions for over a year now. Doing the only thing I knew to do - getting up every day and going through the routine. Sometimes in life, that's all we have to keep us going. In my case, it helped me keep going, but the routine has also perpetuated stagnance for me. It's pushed me deeper into an unhappy state. I'm starting to get an idea of what I need to do and I feel empowered to do it. I feel reinvigorated since Thursday's nights meltdown. I have the energy to start over. So that's the plan. I'm going to start over. Not on the little things like my apartment and my job (although I will deal with my job too), but on the big things, like myself. It's time to work on making myself happy. And that's what's going to start this week. 11:54 p.m. - 2006-04-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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