graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get your hands off, that my life! I completely went off the deep end this weekend and went into a Plath-like spiral of suicidal rantings. My life overwhelmed me like a tidal wave on Sunday and while speaking with a friend on my cell phone, I suddenly blurted out that there didn't seem to be any other way out of my life beyond dying. He told me I didn't mean that, but suddenly, I thought about it and that was exactly what I meant. The only way to escape from my problems at that moment was by dying. Ironically, I was in the fortunate spot of not being capable of killing myself. Suicide is for cowards and I'm way too much of a masochist to end it all, as much as it may seem like an answer. As tiring as I find this life, I'm too much of a narcassist to leave and not see what might happen next to me. I rushed off the phone with him and thought about this. I've really gotten myself into a pickle. Leaving my job after just taking on this big new thing would look bad on me. Yet I loathe my job. I can work at it for about 4 months and then change, but what aboutmy living situation? My lease is up at the end of May and my roommate and I have agreed to split after 9 years and find our own places. When looking for a new apt in NYC, you want to show job stability so I can't be starting a new job then. And so we can see how I have painted myself into a tight little corner. Fuck me. I'm pretty fucking torn up about it. I just don't know what to do. One thing I resolved not to do anymore is kick my ass over work. I've spent the last few months slaving over my job and I suddenly realized that I'm on a path to waking up at 40 and realizing that I've bought a one way ticket to Alone City with no pity and not much to show for it but a steady paycheck. I haven't gone out and met friends around town in months! I'm too tired to go out and meet people at new spots. I don't have time to go shopping so I don't feel like I have anything to wear when I'm NOT tired. All of that needs to stop. So I went shopping and bought some new clothes and makeup and shoes. It was great! I have some money saved because I've been working all the time and haven't been snorting it. I was out Sunday night and then went out downtown Tuesday night after work for an impromptu gathering to celebrate my friend's engagement. Truth be told, that news was the best thing to happen to me this week. I am enormously excited and happy for my friend, you'd think it was happening to me. So yes, I was suicidal but things are looking up. I just need to spend some time taking my life back. 7:16 p.m. - 2006-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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