graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Times Up

I lost my temper at work today. It's rare that I do that. It's happened about 5 times in the last 8 years. Tonight I lost it with the wrong person, the Big Boss.

I'm stretched too thin. People are pulling me in 85 different directions. I'm covering what would normally be jobs for 4 people. On a day to day, I cover jobs for 3 people.

I don't know...but tonight I thought, this just isn't worth it. I'm not feeling valued. I thought I could stick it out for 6 months while I build this new practice. Then I could leave in good standing, with recent achievements. What happened tonight makes me think that's not going to be possible.

I lost my temper and like I said, I work at avoiding that because I used to have a nasty temper with the uncanny ability to say in a split second the most damaging, hateful thing that will tear at the very weakness the individual facing me has worked at hiding all of their life. It's just something I've always been able to do and not something I'm proud of.

I spit it out tonight and stopped just about millisecond before I made that employment ending comment. That's the second closest I've ever come to getting fired.

See the problem is that from now on, it's there. I'm going to know that I reached the precipice and I'll be loitering on the edge until I leave. Constantly pulling myself back, reigning the malice in.

It's just a question of when.

11:06 p.m. - 2006-01-10

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