graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm going to live, for now So I went to see a cardiologist today and had an echo done. There's nothing wrong with my heart. It's not enlarged, it's not irregular, there are no clogs, there are no weakened chambers or arteries. My bloodwork came back and everything is normal: cholesterol, glucose, thyroid. Nothing unusual. Net net, I'm not dying today. I have an anxiety problem. My mother had an anxiety attack when she was about the same age as me. She had heart palpitations and broke out in a sweat and nearly passed out. She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. So I guess it's hereditary. I'm taking Xanex for a couple of days and then I have to just carry then with me, in the event it happens again. Don't worry, people. I've never been a pill popper. I may be the only person left in Manhattan who is not abusing prescription drugs. They hold no interest for me. That said, I've had a two month fight with an old dealer I had that I fronted a large sum of money to for a purchase. It's two months later, I never got my drugs. I've been aggressively following up, because I need the money. Not the drugs. Now, I know I shouldn't have fronted a dealer money, but he is my neighborhood so I know he can't run from me. I also know I shouldn't have threatened him because if he gets scared about me talking, someone might just come around to teach me a lesson. That said, I kinda have the upperhand, because I know about a few of ther dealers in this neighborhood who would not be happy to see me beat down. Beyond that, strangely enough, the rest of the neighborhood doesn't know I used drugs and have somehow adopted me in a Pope of Spanish Harlem role. It's a little weird. I walk down my long block and people shout hello to me out the windows of their apartments and through the windows of their stores. You can't believe it until you see it. I'm just the girl with a smile. People love it. So I'm getting my money this weekend. You got to love that. And I have a feeling that there's going to be something else in that money. It's going to be a test, because you know, now that I know my heart's ok, that little devil's voice is inside. "Come on. Let's have some fun. Get a gram." And a gram is never just a gram. There are people who can use coke recreationally. I find that fascinating. They can do a bump off of someone in the bathroom and be fine all night. The minute I do a bump, I want a line, I want three lines, I want my own gram, I want an 8 ball. And I'll do it all until it's done. That's why I never do a bump offered unless I have my my own stash. Not worth opening pandora's box. Did. Have to start talking in the past tense. It's done. I'm going to a meeting this week. A friend of mine raised his eyebrows when I mentioned it. Very few people have any idea of where I took my habit. I was really good at using. You'd never know if I didn't want you to. And I showed up at work for the most part, there were a few problems last spring when I had about 3 "sick" days. Beyond that, I was "on" all the time. I made my job, I never did drugs at work. I was showered, I was dressed professionally. I worked hard. I produced. It just so happened that I what I produced was souless, because I sold my soul the night before. The monster knew that I was using. It drove him crazy. Absolutely insane. But he never made me pick and I never lied to him about it if he asked me. And then he stoppped asking. It was too much for the monster. I was completely out of control. He had his own demons to fight. He fought mine for a little but it was too much. He drinks too much. I would never say that to him, because I was copping coke and cracked out half the time but he knows it and I knew it. He drank way too much. Even he had been in love with me, we never could have made it. But that's all ancient history. Right now I'm about cleaning up and moving forward. I feel like I've been running on a treadmill for about a year now. It's going to be nice to see cover some new ground. It's really exciting to be able to plan for a life beyond 32. All I thought about when I was using was dying; that I might not see another birthday. Right now I'm counting on seeing a lot of future birthday's and that makes me smile. I want to have a life and get married and have babies. I'm doing a lot more smiling these days. Well, I should go to bed. Gotta get up early tomorrow and go to the gym again. 10:22 p.m. - 2005-10-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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