graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Therapy: the new bloodsport The fall from Grace is a rocky one, I know because I've been falling in this black hole for months now. The birthday was great and insane all at once. Work is also insane. Where I would normally feel overwhelmed and breathless, I feel nothing at all right now, I walk thru the measures and that's how I know something is wrong with me. Terribly wrong. Yet I continue on, after all, that's what I do isn't it? I do what is expected of me. This realization, and my new friend's unemployment after an unsuccessful resignation period, sent me into a tirade against men yesterday. How is it that dude's can be so fucking irresponsible and we women are left holding the bag for everyone? How is it that all of these dudes I know, just up and quit their jobs when they aren't happy and women fucking stick to the grind and do what's expected? I don't wanna work either! Something's wrong with this equation, who should I blame? Gloria Steinem? Naomi Wolfe? Our mothers and their girlfriends burned their bra's to get us equal rights and somehow along the way tipped the scales against us - so that we are left working like slaves for .75 to the male dollar. And men are *still* getting the last laugh because they are saying, "Ha! You want it? Go ahead, take my job." So we work more hours than they would have worked, for less money and the same or lesser titles. And have babies along the way. Barely taking the time to stop, drop, birth and get stitched before going back to work doubletime now; once for The Man and then home for our man. All the while trying to look like an unattainable feminine goddess ideal of youth and beauty. Guess we aren't so smart after all? If we were really smart, we would have burned our diploma's instead of our bra's. I'm not going to be supporting some dude, I'll tell you that much. Because that extra money that covers his rent and expenses could be buying a new pair of shoes. And baby loves a new pair of shoes more than a warm body right now. This is some of the rant I shared yesterday with a number of women, which got them thinking about what self-imposed slavery we've signed up for. And sent them home to their men with fire and brimstone. It's time women band together and fight back. Our problem is that we are so divided - half of us lay down and spread at their command and fuck up the game of strategy that others are trying Maybe we deserve this shitty outcome, for not being smart enough to establish and live by a gender code? All this and more was shared with my therapist today, who, in true form, I attempted to break up with yesterday in my typical non-confrontational way. By cancelling my appointment. I'd been working for 13 hours by the middle of the afternoon and I knew it was not going to happen. I don't want to go. I don't like talking about myself. I don't like talking about feelings, I don't like remembering and vocalizing the things that happened to me as a kid that I have worked to forget about. I don't think that's helpful or productive, so I decided to stop and I cancelled my appt and suggested we postpone until next week. So this therapist called me back and left me a message, first implying that I did not have to work the insane hours I mentioned and then telling me that for consistency's sake, I should reschedule for Wednesday. "It's important to be consistent." Fucking pissed me off. I couldn't believe she did that. So I rescheduled the appointment like nothing was wrong and I went in there today with every intention of breaking it down for this lady that I am feeling stronger and don't need to come anymore. I went off on several tirades: Weakness, something I hate; divorce; Resolution and closure as two words that her industry created as a income boost; men who are irresponsible; my interest in being irresponsible; and much more. She told me straight up that I can forget about being irresponsible. It's not within me. I agreed with her. She was asking about my pattern of cutting people off. She asked if there are warning signs, if I give any indication that I am going to cut someone off? I thought about it, and I said usually no, I give no signals whatsoever. As I started to explain, however, I am no longer cutting people off because I don't think that is a productive way to handle relationships, she finished her thought, saying, "So is that what's going happen here then? To our relationship? You'll give no signal whatsoever but choose to end this because you are not open to it and just never show up again. Walk out cheerfully one day and be gone?" I paused and said, "I haven't decided. I'm not buying into this yet. I am also not cutting people off anymore." I understand. You don't want to commit to this yet, she said. You don't commit. That's right, I said. I'm undecided. And so it was. It went a lot like that. A lot of my disdain was voiced today. I decided to be heard. After recapping some of those conversations for a couple of friends, they decided to start a pool, betting how many sessions it will take before this woman asks me to become a case study. I told her today that people today need to get a little tougher and stop paying people to listen to them wallow in the tears over ancient sibling pigtail fights and spend more time picking themselves up by their bootstraps and focusing on moving forward in life. She told me that I drink too much and you know why you do that, don't you? It's not going to be pretty, not at all. 11:29 p.m. - 2005-05-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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