graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Ripping myself open so that I can be stitched up

First...Thanks, you guys, for the nice words! I'm excited at the thought that someone would be inspired to quit smoking or make a change with me! I don't always feel strong, so I thank you for those thoughts also. Tres cool, those notes you leave.

*~*.

So I went to see this therapist today. And of course I went shopping last night for a completely new outfit to impress the therapist, further evidence, that I am indeed crazy or was raised well. Either way, I looked great.

I'd been thinking about what I was going to say for days because it's been on my mind that whatever happens, I didn't want this woman to think that my parents in anyway fucked up with me. Right before I left, I was talking to this new guy friend about how I felt sick to my stomach about going and how I was thinking carefully about word selection and suddenly I thought, I'm doing it again. I protect everyone. God forbid anyone think I am a mess. God forbid this woman misjudge my parents and upbringing. I knew going in there that selectively sharing was a waste of my money and my time and I made a conscious choice not to do that even though it scared the shit out of me to think about speaking honestly.

I'm not going to lie, I was really nervous. It didn't get any easier throughout the whole time but I was able to provide relevant information and I was surprised to walk out with some clear realizations about myself.

I shared a lot, including the fact that my family doesn't believe in airing dirty laundry outside the family. I tipped her off on therapist tricks that wouldn't work with me.

Several times when speaking about things that I could have shared with strangers, for some reason, knowing that she would be taking everything into account while working with me, telling them almost brought me to tears. So unlike me, I'm not a crier. I stopped a few times and took some time to carefully chose my words, to carefully speak, so as not to be a lunatic and cry in this stranger's office on a first visit. Because I had pre-prioritized, I told her the 3 events that I thought were critical in delaying my personal development with men. She also thought they were critical. She asked if that was all, and I told her no, there's more, but that was the tip of the iceberg.

In the end, she joined me in the conclusions that I already knew. That I am a very strong person, that I've handled more on my own as a teen than many young adults will in their lives and that I am going to have to work to break these patterns I have that make me trust no one and let no one in.

The difference is that she pointed out in my actions, exactly where I make the choice to close off. I found that helpful.

So it's going to take longer than the month that I recommended to her that I see her. She laughed at that. She laughed a lot actually and I liked that. She suggested we make a contract or a promise if having something tangible would help me work toward a goal, but I prefer to play it by ear.

It's really strange to talk about yourself to someone you don't have to spend social time with and worry about them remembering the things that you told them about yourself. It's great. That's the whole reason I never share, I hate the idea of people looking at me and feeling pity or grossed out or whatever because my life experiences. I hate the idea of them being disappointed with me. This whole stranger thing is great. I love it.

For the first time in a while, I think that I am on a track to move forward. And for the first time, maybe ever, I feel like it's ok to admit that bad shit has happened to me. I don't have to hide everything from everyone anymore and be this perfect whatever I am.

I guess I never even realized that I did that, but I did. I spent a lot of time making sure that even though I knew I was imperfect, what I presented to everyone else was the best that I could be.

And now there's one person who doesn't have to see me as perfect, which is pretty much what she told me.

9:24 p.m. - 2005-05-04

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