graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beware the Ides of March The Monster and I had a great weekend, it was like that last moment of lucidity terminally ill people have when they wake up and are engaging and full functioning and then pass away. He showed up on Friday night at my local and ended up sleeping over, passing out on my couch, holding my hand. It was sweet, but not enough. Saturday he went home and changed and came right back, spending the day helping my roommate and I fix up the apt. He repaired my closet doors, hooked up our new TV and DVD and attempted to Wi Fi the place. We hung out and talked, spent time together, everything was great. Later, as we went out, little things started to plague me about us. I feel like he acts like my boyfriend, but we are living like Ernie and Bert. He sleeps over, we don't hook up. We hold hands, he holds me, he kisses my neck or my forehead, but never ever makes an effort to make a real move and this began to plague me. It's not like I've made a move either and I know I have myself to blame also, but I come from this school of thought that the guy should make the move and so I try to set up the opportunity and it's just not happening. I ended fighting with him and telling him as best I could how I felt on Friday and Saturday nights. Friday he spat back that something along the lines of he didn't feel like I've ever had more than a passing fancy of interest in him - no "real" interest and then followed that up saying in not so many words that he wasn't interested in me. Saturday night, we were having a great time. It was confusing because he went with me to a party outside of Manhattan and it was this great time and we were both talking about what a great day we had. My friends were giving me the eye, questioning what was up with us and I just kinda diverted eye contact because clearly I don't KNOW what's up. I do know that he's talking about sleeping over again. Now I'm questioning why he wants to sleep over - if we aren't sleeping together - what's the deal? Does he like my roommate now? Honestly, I don't know. I just don't know. So we left early, and got into an argument in the taxi, immediately after he was on this high having talked to some my friends about his career aspirations and his passions. It was out of left field and I just snapped. I started this fight. We argued when we got to my local. We both went to different areas of my local. Then we met up again and I kinda of sprinkled some of my beer on him. I think I was just tired and so fucking frustrated with him. I was angry at myself for doing that. He walked out of the bar, I thought for sure he would leave, but there he was cooling down and smoking a cigarette outside. I went to talk to him and basically he told me that if I need to take out my aggressions on him and act out on him that he would be that for me. This, of course, makes me feel like shit, which is exactly what he intended to do. He's the master of mind fuck. Then I say I'm going inside because I'm cold and he asks me if I want his coat, another guilt trip. Inside I tried to talk to him again and put it out there that I love spending time with him and that I have this crush on him and he doesn't crush me back and the time he just didn't respond to me. More back and forth arguing and finally I told him that I didn't want him to sleep over and I was going to call it a night early. I wanted to go home and be alone. He says that he feels like he's being punished, there's more discussion of me explaining that he's not being punished and me explaining that I had a great time with him and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and me telling him that I think he's a great guy and then him stopping and asking me what's going on - am I preparing him for the cut off? I tell him I'm not cutting him off but I say that I want to end the weekend on a high note and then I stop and say to him, "Two years ago when we first started hanging out, we always used to tell me that you were a good guy and I should believe that. It really bothered you that I had doubts about you, that I was suspicious. I just want you to know now, that I do believe that. I think you are a great guy. One of the last good guys out there. I just want you to know that." I moved to leave and he grabbed me and held me close to him, tightly. I buried my face in his shoulder and he kissed my neck and we stood like that for a few moments and I said to him, "You have to let me go. It's going to be ok but you just have to let me go." And I left. Today I feel good. I sent him a text reassuring him that I'm not cutting him off and thanking him for the great day. He responded. I'm not cutting him off but I am taking a step back. He needs to decide what he wants from me and then I need to decide if I can be that. In an ideal world he'll come back and say that he wants to be with me. He may come back and tell me that he just wants to be friends, that's his choice, it's also fair for me to say that I can't do that. So that's where things stand. At a big, tall impasse. Story of my life. In the meantime, I'm going to work at pursuing other options, remaining open to the idea that there's someone out there who may be perfect for me and continue to avoid the self-destructive behaviors that were sending me into a downward spiral to temporarily numb myself from reality. 7:25 p.m. - 2005-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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