graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty Little Secrets The last few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. I really went overboard. Days of partying all night and then going into work, thru the weekend and then again an all nighter and then work. It was crazy, I was crazy. I came clean (kinda) to the guy about my secret life. My going out after I left him one night and then ending up a private party in a some strange guy's apartment with a bunch of geeked traders playing craps. I skipped the part about the other guy I met at the bar when we were out, who I took into the bathroom for a few minutes and exchanged numbers with, and who called me at 3am and asked me to come over to his apartment to hang out. (I didn't)There's only so much of the insanity in my life that can be told in one sitting. It's too much for even the most openminded of men. I think I freaked him out and worse is that I think I disappointed him. That thought bummed me out. He lectured me lightly. He took it easy on me but I felt the dynamic change between us. I hate that. It was like the temperature dropping. I probably shouldn't have told him but I was sobering up and feeling needy and wanting to confide, so I did. He was cool enough to say that he thought it was good that I had opened up. He thought we had made some progress. I don't know. Maybe things are okay. I'm not sure. On Tuesday night he told me that I should learn when to stop talking. That made me laugh. He hasn't done that in a long time and it was a comment that I always appreciated because frequently when he said it I had been digging myself into some sort of free association hellhole. I think he said that because he was afraid I was going to call him out on his feelings for me. I was leaning into that direction. So I head home for Christmas tomorrow. The break will be good. Maybe get some rest or something. The timing couldn't be better because I hate to admit it, but I'll miss the guy. Seems like a long time to go without him hugging me and burying his face in my neck. 11:29 p.m. - 2004-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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