graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Get me out of the Funhouse

It was a surprise to me to learn that I have more than 1 reader. I shall write more!

Last night's entry brought with it terrible dreams. I dreamt that my mother died and with me were the three men in my life: my best guy friend, my crush and my former crush. As I think back on the dream, it happened like sliding doors, with 3 scenarios, each with one of them playing out the role of supporting me thru my mothers death. I am left inconclusive on who was successful in calm my grief, perhaps that's the answer. Perhaps I can't be comforted because the storm of grief is really deep inside of me about me, not my mother. And maybe if we look deeper, my greater fear is not just that I do not measure up to my mother and that's why I couldn't be comforted but that I also fear I won't measure up to her within her lifetime; perhaps I believe that's my greatest failure, not being enough for her or myself, ever.

Or not.

I woke up around 4am. Troubled. I am feeling troubled, that's the only way to describe it.

I was in a shitty mood all day. Some women at work were talking about how saddened they were about the death of Christopher Reeve and I said without looking up, "Why? Who was he to you? Are you sad about the 1,000's of people who will die today? About the people whose lives are taken in car crashes on their way home from work today, or little children who will be run over when playing in piles of leaves this week or the kid hit by a bus going to school? Will you grieve for their families who get no media attention or public outcries of grief?"

One of the girls shreiked, "You're mean and making me sad, stop it! I do feel sad for all of those people!" I played The Sex Pistols from my computer and smiled. I am evil.

I lashed out later. I was angry because people are fucking up at work and I don't like that. I don't like mistakes and I am seeing them happen all around me. People are feeling lazy. I sent several biting e-mails to various people. I just couldn't. be. nice.

I think I may be bored and craving attention. Companionship. That could be the word. I'm missing my connection and it's throwing me off.

I accidentally deleted my entire library of images on my phone today, over 100 photos, and I started to cry on my way home. There were one or two that were special to me and I don't have them all downloaded on my computer. They are gone.

I am really tired lately. I just want to lay in my bed and stare at my room. Maybe it's my period, maybe I am just unhappy. Maybe it's everything.

I feel like I'm hungover and someone forced me to go into a Funhouse. Like I protested and they pushed me in thinking it would be fun and suddenly I got into the room with the wobbly floor and there I stood in the center of an empty room with the floor moving below me and nothing to hold onto, my instabiity magnified, and too tired to try to focus on steadying myself to find an exit. Just swaying and waiting to fall.

8:38 p.m. - 2004-10-12

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