graceland's Diaryland Diary

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I don't wanna be a grown up

This weekend my best friend D. and I hit the Upper Eastside because we had no money to go anywhere else, so we decided to party Frat boy style. It was so college.

We drank flaming scorpion bowls, talked stupid with a bachelor party and created our own two woman conga line at a bar filled with 21 year old. One of our friends went outside for a smoke and I pressed my face up to the window and one of college girls outside said, "OMG, do you know that girl? WE LOVE her! She's the conga line girl." Then another girl said to my friend, I feel so old here and my friend said, don't worry, I'm older than you and the girl said, no way, how old are you and my friend said 31. The girls' eyes widened and she said, oh you ARE old, I'm 23. We had a good laugh over that one.

By the end of the weekend, I was tired and bleary eyed and wondering how it is that I'm 31 and feel 21? It seemed like I just stepped into yesterday, dancing around the bar and chatting up strangers who seemed like they are my age but are really just out of college.

I don't want to be a grown up. I don't do grown up well, the truth is that I don't know what I should be doing. I don't get this age. When I say it, it sounds like I should be a person who is married and lives in a house, but I'm not that. Every so often I like to go out to cheesy bars and do the Rockaway and race to drink flaming Scorpion bowls. I trade tips on grooming bangs in the bathroom with college coeds and strike up conversations with hipster guys who look just like Owen Wilson.

I can't budget my money. Still. I live like a 23 year old. I have no savings. I don't understand the concept of savings.

But I'm 31. And sometimes all I want to do, like Jennifer Garner in 13 Going On 30, is go home to my childhood home and sit in the back of my closet and wait until this dream is over and I am a teenager again, living under my parents house, putting on my uniform to go to high school, having crushes, kissing boys and misbehaving in a good way.

I don't wanna be a grown up anymore. I just don't.

6:57 p.m. - 2004-10-04

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