graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh God...it wasn't a chicken I haven't updated because I haven't felt much like writing and when I have thought to do so, I simply haven't been able to get into diaryland. Note to self: renew my gold membership. I've been having an especially fat day. I've been dieting carefully for a couple weeks, so fat is really on my mind lately. Then I saw this horrendous photo of myself and had to go to a work meeting for a weight loss product. By the end of the day I wasn't sure whether I should just start to cry or rip at my flesh with my bitten down nails. I haven't felt this much self loathing in a long time. I just can't deal lately. I want to change everything about myself. I look at myself externally and internally and just think, how could anyone like you, let alone love you. I don't even like myself right now. I wonder why people even speak to me. There's a thunderstorm right now and that makes me feel better. The lightening makes me feel like Gargamel. That makes me feel a little better, I mean, Gargamel had Israel. And he had a constant nemesis in those little smurfs to hunt and chase so he didn't have to think about being alone and miserable in that giant castle constantly living under a thunderstorm. So there's that. I need some smurfs to torture. What else? I walked to work today which sucked because it was so humid. I started to walk home but it began to rain. I need some reading material. I've read every book I had cued up for the summer. And then some. I even caught up with my magazines. I've become obsessed with Law & Order. Watching marathons of it. Since when do I watch hours of TV? Since I ran out reading material, I guess. Not a lot of options. I am reading over this entry and totally freaking myself out. Who am I? Who have I become? It's been a really hard year. I think I just need a break. Starting to feel like Hawkeye in the last episode of M*A*S*H. 7:40 p.m. - 2004-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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