graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When will I be loved? Last night was one of those magical NYC nights, in brooklyn no less. Vacation and beyond, I've been plagued by these terrible thoughts about my lack of self worth. Everywhere I turn it seems that people are in relationships. And I see them working on their relationships, working hard and being frustrated, but most of what I see is my lack of one. I have friends, loads and loads of friends. Even last night, at this gorgeous BBQ in the backyard (a real backyard!) of a brownstone inhabitated by three solid couples whom I imagine work thru their fair share problems and irritations and may even look at me and say, "Isn't she lucky, to be free and single," all of these people shouted, "Graceland! Everyone likes you! Everyone that meets you likes you," all it did was make me feel sad because all I thought was, everyone likes me, but no one loves me. No one has ever really loved me, not intimately. If they have, they haven't told me. And conversely, I've never said I love you back. I cried for about 40 minutes on Sunday, alone, riding the bus back from my vacation wondering if this is what my life is going to be. Alone. Unloved. Uninvolved. Forever. And I came to the conclusion that I don't want to live another 30 years or more like that. I don't want to be alone. I want to be in love. On Sunday night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs in fear. I think I woke up my roommate and her boyfriend, but at least they had each other in the next room. Monday night it happened again, but I was able to lower my scream. Tuesday, I woke up again, with the same fear, no screams. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to wake up paralyzed by fear and not have someone to hold me. I'm not needy and not clingy and maybe that's part of my problem. No one thinks I need or want anyone. I thought about it on my way home last night when the cab driver asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. There I sat, pleasantly buzzed in the backseat and he said, "You married? You have a boyfriend? Why not? You're good looking." "I don't know why," I said. "But I've been wondering the very same thing." Things have to change. Maybe I have to change. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and I also won't settle for anything short of love and respect. It's got to be out there for me. With hurdles and heartache attached, it's got to be out there for me. But where the f*ck is it? 6:54 p.m. - 2004-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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