graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And one of life's twists I'm working on event adrenaline and 2 hours sleep. Last night I had to stop in to my friend's college graduation party. I thought it would only be for an hour but I talking to people and then my friend pointed out the guy I had met a few weeks ago at a BBQ and spent the night chatting with. I don't know how it started, the conversation. It was serendipitous because just that day she had brought him up on e-mail, saying that he was talking about me to her and calling me that "crazy girl from Wisconsin" and she thought he had be confused with someone else. He comes over and we start wrapping and my friend and he are exchanging "this is the girl" and " yes, this is the one" over my head while I pretended not to know what was going on. He started to explain that he had thought I was from the West Coast (not Wisconsin) and I played dumb. We started talking and it was like a flood of conversation. Just one of those clicks, you know, that go off in your head. Weird. He looks like Rivers Cuomo, that's what I am going to call him. And he fronts this rock band. Anyway...talk talk talk. Smiles. Laughs. He kept trying to persuade me to come to his gig this weekend but I told him I had plans. He didn't like that. He hammered at that through the night. I excused myself to go to the ladies and said I would be right back. I was pulled by 50 different people, both on my way there and back so that by the time I returned to our spot, he was gone. I couldn't find him for a bit and I wasn't sure if he had left, but I was disappointed. It's been so long since I met a guy that I connected with like that, I almost didn't know what to do and I didn't want it to stop. I went outside and sat on the steps under a little overhang outside of the barback door and watched the rain fall, wondering if it would be another month before I saw him again. Another guy came out, someone I know in passing and he asked if he could sit on the step next to me. I moved over and we sat there in silence, side by side with our cells in our hands, me thinking about someone I had a connection with for a long time that I no longer speak with and him thinking about his girl, whom he told me was in Cali. After a bit, I went back inside and mingled but it wasn't the same. And then I spotted him. He came back and found me, we talked some more and then he excused himself to go to the bathroom, adding, "Wait for me, I'll come back unlike you last time, who had a conversation with everyone in the bar on her way back." Ha! I tried to protest but he was gone. He came back. We rapped some more. The connect was fierce, like I had known him for years. Around 3:30am, he had no money left and he needed the phone number of my bartender friend. He's making a movie and Rivers was going to play a role in today's shoot. Unfortunately, the bartender was indispose so I offered to pass along the digits. I couldn't find a pen and he said, "I'm going to need your e-mail anyway because we need to talk." He told me to give him my e-mail and he was going to run over to his friend's apt where he was staying to make sure he wasn't locked out and e-mail me right away. Ok, I said, and gave it to him. I stayed for a bit at the bar and when I went home, I decided to check my e-mail and see how legit this dude was. True to his word, there was an e-mail. I replied and went to bed for two hours. I woke up, surely drunk, and hustled to work. Event day. Big event. Tried to pull myself together. At work I found another e-mail from him. He asked me if I would be involved in his independent film. Either on camera or behind the scenes, the choice was mine. I responded again, and we talked for a couple of hours this morning. It's been so LONG. So long since I had someone to talk to like that. I had forgotten how much I missed that. Event went well and when I came back to work, I had a package sent to me from the coolest female rocker alive. I worship this chick and had been sending funny e-mails about how much she rocked to my friend who had been forwarding them along to her friend who works for said rocker. They all thought my e-mails were so great, they sent me this giant package...t-shirts and CD's and a thong! ROCK! Things were good. I couldn't stop smiling all day curtesy of this new friend. Then at the end of the day, as I was quickly plowing through e-mails, one opened and I saw a name I haven't seen in what would be 6 months tomorrow. January 27th was the last time we spoke. I was baffled. I thought at first it was an old e-mail that our IT dept just found in the general mailbox or something. Then I saw it had an attachment and I thought it was a virus, that his e-mail account had a worm. I opened it anyway. I had to read it 3 or 4 times to understand that it was new and what it meant. What he was saying to me. And it was good. I'll give him that. It's good. My heart was beating fast. It's been almost 6 months to the day since I heard from this person that I spoke with more intimately and frequently than anyone ever in my life for about 2 years. These last 5 months have been hard. Not every day, but many of them I struggled with whether or not I wanted to admit it was because he was not a part of my life anymore. Just this weekend I had thought about him while out at a bar having a great time and flirting with some men, just yesterday I had drafted an angry missive toward him that I knew I would never send, but I wanted to capture in print so that I could let it go. Just the night before, I had finally let it go and had a great time speaking with someone new. Timing. I wanted to respond immediately but I honestly didn't know what to say. I just don't know. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I'm angry anymore, I don't know if I trust him to be a friend anymore, but I do know that I miss him unlike anything I have ever known and I hesitate to contact him because I am afraid of trusting him again and living those horrendous 5 months all over again. For now, I'm going to do nothing. Tomorrow I leave for a long weekend and I am going to relax and have a good time with friends. When I get back, I hope to have an answer. 6:46 p.m. - 2004-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||