graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying to fill buckets I've struggled with writing recently. I wasn't sure how I was feeling, let alone how to convey that. I watched "Searching for Debra Winger" tonight and although I found it a bit cliche in that Rosanna Arquette hippi-dippy-LA-way, I found some truth within its' confines. Growing up presents the ultimate challenge in not only presenting your truth in life but also in finding that balance that I crave. Like compartmentalizing life into buckets and filling each one. I feel like I'm at a point where I have identified the buckets that I want to surround my ring of fire, but haven't filled all of them. Some overflow and others remain empty. And then there is something Sharon Stone referred to, that point in your life when you leave behind those childish aspects and become who you are. That's something I am missing. Perhaps I expect too much, I am only 31 and a young one at that. Perhaps that is still to come but lately I've felt that I should be doing more to make that happen. This point in my life is exciting in that I know I am still young enough to experience great successes and achievements, at the same time, I feel like I should be closer to that happening than I am. Being a woman is a great challenge; I sometimes wonder if I had been born a male would I feel life was anticlimactic or would I be so oblivious to the challenge that womanhood presents that I would never know what I was missing? It's been an emotional week. Birthday's are incredibly introspective period of time for me, I gravitate toward using this date marker as a reason to examine myself and my life. I also had my period this week which presented an unnecessary emotional element. And then there were the 9-11 hearings in my face, to bring back what I assume was a defining moment of time in my life. I'm struggling right now. I'm struggling with who I am vs. who I want to be, I am struggling with one area of interpersonal conflict that was left open-ended that I can't seem to right in my mind. I wonder if this conlfict remains open-ended, if I will ever be able to move past it. With that in my mind, nothing was able to right yesterday. Not the big dinner party at the hipster tapas place, not the expensive champagne at a chic boutique hotel bar, not the new clothes and not the new men. It's been a tough week. And it's only Wednesday. 11:03 p.m. - 2004-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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