graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pushing a cart of doubt I am frustrated at work. I can't get some new (and not so new) staffers up to speed. I spend a huge portion of my day prioritizing their day and demonstrating ways for them to multitask. Our HR woman stopped me in the mailroom today and asked me if my reports are paying me tution for the education I've been giving people. Apparently this deficit hasn't gone unnoticed. *~* I resolved to myself today...or yesterday...who can remember anymore, that I would stop sulking on this page. That I wouldn't speak anymore about this foreign place that my mind has been visiting, but I can't seem to do that. Everytime I sit down to write, I forget about the anecdotes and the funny things of the day, all I can think about is that something is missing from me. I am not feeling like a whole person yet. It's mainly when I sit down to write, perhaps because at all other times, I am occupied. People are talking to me or I am working and I don't have to think. The only dream I've had lately was one this week and last, about my roommate having a secret affair with a man I trusted. That dream is driving me crazy and it's so ludricrous, I can't imagine why it would enter my mind but it has and it's crept into my reality. This nagging doubt in mind. I brought it up to her today, half joking. I've been thinking about going to talk to someone. I've reached a dead end. I have no answers, just questions and doubts about myself and my own worth piling up, one on top of each other. I can't seem to write because it. I've lost the meaning of life. I've lost my joie de vivre. There's something monumental that shifted in my brain, I think. Like something shut down. I keep working to think of ways to reopen that door to my mind that entertained and was fun loving but it's like the door is there with no handle and I can't pry it open. I am frustrated. I thought that with time, this would change, but it hasn't. I'm off again tomorrow. I keep taking vacation days thinking the time off will help. I hate to think that I am wasting this time. I'm 30. I'm young, so young, and wasting my life stuck in this mindfuck of self-doubt and punishment. It's freaky. I want it to stop but I can't seem to make it stop. There were a few days weeks ago when I thought about ending it myself. Sitting and thinking about ways to free my spirit until it dawned on me that freeing my spirit isn't the answer primarily because it's my spirit that's broken, not my body. I've got to keep going through the motions. Things are going to change for me. Something good is going to happen, that's the cycle of life. I just have to be open to that and be here to let it happen. 11:26 p.m. - 2004-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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