graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying to find a light switch It came to my attention today, after staring at my computer in complete and utter boredom, after having searched desperately for a new job that would interest me, after stating outloud for the 50th time today that I hate people, after sending out an e-mail to half of the people in my address book and telling them "someone write something to me in an e-mail before I completely lose it," that I am on the verge of a emotional breakdown. I may just completely lose my shit. And I really don't want that to happen. I am closing in on two months of depression. And things are not looking up. I don't even know this person I become. I have never been a depressed person. I have virtually withdrawn from my former life. It's all I can do to get up and function at work. How did this happen? It's bizarre. It's not me. It's not even close to who I am. I am the wise sage. I sort out everyone's problems. I tell people to keep their chins up. I provide the voice of reason. I am the life of the party. I smile with my eyes. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes smiling. I recognize that this is a bad road to go down and I am trying to get onto another road but I just can't seem to make it. Everytime I turn off, I find myself back on it. I've made plans, I've been out with other people, I've taken some time to myself, I've applied myself at work, I've picked up new hobbies, I work out, I've reorganized, cleaned, read books, written and nothing is getting me out of this hole. If anything, today I found myself deeper in it that ever before. With the exception of Friday. Friday was the worst day yet. I took some time off from work this week and made plans with some other friends that I convinced to take off. I've decided to throw myself into St. Patrick's Day. When I was in college, we used to come into NYC and go completely insane. The years immediately after college we did the same thing. I'm hoping that by reliving that, I may remember who I was and be happy again. I walked over 2 miles from work tonight and then up to a friends apt that is a 6 flr. walk up just to drop off some books and pick up new ones. I came home and cleaned my apartment, waxing my floors and mopping my stairs. I cleaned one of our bathrooms, sorted laundry and then stopped, dripping in sweat, and realized that all I've managed to do to myself in the last few weeks is make myself tired enough to sleep. I don't know what the answer is to this problem. I don't know that there is answer. I just know that I have to get up tomorrow and do it all over again because the day that I don't do that... I'm not certain about anything right now, but I am certain that I need to keep going through the motions. It's the Ides of March, a notoriously bad day in history. Perhaps things will turn around tomorrow. Mom's test results come in on Thursday. I've got to keep it together. Things will get better soon. 10:03 p.m. - 2004-03-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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