graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Understanding real Priorities It was a bad omen when I slept thru my alarm this morning for 2 hours and woke up late. Consquently, I missed a work breakfast and ended up running in the most uncomfortable stilleto's I own, four blocks to work after the taxi took a wrong turn and left me in the wrong spot. I slid into my office just in time for my conference call with a client. Running late didn't give me time to get debriefed by the team and I found myself chartering into territory no one was prepared to speak about and then backpedaling out. After that, I got to my desk to find a message from my Dad and called him immediately. Voicemail, so I left a message. Then, I don't why I did this, but I called him back, twice, until I reached him. He told me there were some banking issues to resolve between he and I and he spoke to me all in rush, which I knew indicated something was wrong. "What's going on here?" I asked. And then I told him a little joke about something I say when I need a laugh. He laughed. "Nothing, I just have to rush to get this done before I have to pick up your mother, she's been in the hospital overnight but she didn't want me to tell you or your brother," he said quickly. "Nothing big, but she doesn't want anyone to know." Ahhh. So that's what this is all about. Something's wrong with Mom and my brother is a drama queen so it wouldn't help to involve him and clearly Mom and Dad are worried but Dad can't show concern to Mom because he's probably trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, and she doesn't want anyone to know so he has no one to talk to about it, so he lets it slip to me. I am the rock, after all. I am my Father's daughter. "Oh really? What's up with that?" I asked calmly. He explained that she went in for a colonoscopy and they found some polyps, which they removed immediately. "Ok," I said, "Polyps are common occurance as you get older. Frequently they appear and are benign," I said. Yes, I know, he said. I'm sure it's nothing. He was speaking slower, so I knew he was feeling reassured. "But those goddamn doctors didn't give her any aesthesia when they went in to remove them and she's been in excruciating pain," he said, raising his voice. He swore a few times. I could hear the frustration. He doesn't do well with doctors, he hates hospitals, I could see what was going on here. Fear. Across the board. She's usually the calming factor, but with her as the patient, he's left on his own with no information and not armed with the questions to ask. I am like my mother in that regard, I ask the questions. I push for answers. "The fourth polyp was larger than they anticipated and it caused some bleeding so they admitted her overnight," he continued. "I see," I said. "Was this a routine colonscopy or was she having problems?" I asked. "She's been having some problems, so she called and they sent her in for that," he responded. Red flag waves in my mind. "Well, there's nothing to be done until the results come back and like I said, this is a common thing, so we should just wait and see what they say. I'm sure it'll be a routine thing." In my head I had at least 20 questions, starting with whether there's a family history for Colon cancer, but I knew he wouldn't be able to answer them and posing them would cause panic. I need him calm when he picks her up from the hospital because she's going to be rattled from being admitted and having this happen. My mother is a doctor's daughter. She assisted her father with all office procedures. She buys the PDR every two years to brush up on emerging drugs and treatments. You'd be hard pressed to find someone outside of the medical industry more informed than her. You'd be hard pressed to find some doctors as informed as her. She'll know exactly what's going on, the question is whether or not the patient will maintain her pragmatism to ask the questions. So I cracked a few more jokes for my Dad, told him a funny story and told him to call me after he got Mom home. I hung up the phone and thought about what just happened. I thought about calling me brother and then realized that he calls my mother at work every morning, so he'd find out for himself soon enough. Ten minutes later my brother called. "Do you know that our mother is in the hospital?!" he all but yelled at me. "Yes, A., I know, I just heard." "Well so did I!" he said. "I called mom at work and she wasn't in and I demanded to know where was and I told them, this is her son calling, where is she!? And the guy who answered the phone said she wasn't in and I said, well I will call her at home and he said, you're not going to get her there son, you're mother's been in the hospital overnight and I think you'd better call your father."
I nearly laughed at his indignation. "So did you speak with Dad," I asked and he said, "No, I called you." Of course you did, I thought to myself. Looking for a reaction or answers, no doubt. "Well, she's fine," I explained and she'll be out of the hospital shortly. "She had a colonoscopy and had to have some polyps removed which caused some bleeding so they kept her overnight. She didn't want anyone to know so Dad didn't call us." "Well, how do you know then." Uh oh. "I caught Dad unsuspectingly and he left the cat of the bag," I said. "Oh, ok," he said. Disaster averted. I sat at my desk for a few hours wanting to tell someone what had happened and not having anyone to tell. My boss overheard the conversation and freaked out. That's really serious, she said, and starting asking questions I was asking in my own head and had no answers to. She started to get all jumpy and anxious and ask me things like did I need to leave work and go home and maybe I should leave tomorrow for the weekend, and I said, you know what, let's not jump to conclusions here. Let's just wait and see what happens, and then I turned around to face my computer and think about what could happen. I didn't want sympathy, I didn't want drama and I didn't want to tell anyone who knows my parents because that would make them uncomfortable to know that people knew. So that pretty much ruled out everyone currently in my life. I needed an impartial, sane person and that I couldn't think of so I just tried to put it out of my mind. By 2PM I hadn't heard from my Dad, so I called him and found out that she was released and home resting. She was still getting sick from the stuff they gave her. I called home but she didn't answer. I left a message, and I knew she could hear me, I also knew that she didn't want to talk to me because I will ask the questions that she dreads thinking about. During the afternoon, an e-mail came in from my oldest friend who was concerned. My brother told her what had happened. I downplayed it and let her know it was just a routine procedure. We'd wait for the results before acting. My cousin called, she's one of my brother's roommates, so I figured I'd better give her the heads up before my brother gave her the sensationalized version and the family grapevine started working overtime. I caught my mom around 5:30PM tonight after repeatedly calling home like the stalker I can be. She sounded tired. I asked my questions. Her doctor told her to go for a colonscopy two years ago but she never went. She'd gone once before 10 years ago because she noticed some blood when she went to the bathroom but it was from hemorroids. (yuk) There were no polyps then. She made this appointment because she was having bathroom problems and bleeding. Yes, there is colon cancer on her side of the family. Two of her grandparents are suspected of having died of it but it was unconfirmed. The doctor thought that the 3 small polyps were nothing but had some concerns about the larger one, all are being tested and the results will be in one Thursday. That's pretty much all I needed to hear. Those were not the answers I wanted to hear. Two years late on a screening a physician recommends after a physical are not good. Polyps found after full blown symptoms like bleeding are also not good. Colon cancer needs to be detected early to be treated successfully. A family history of it is a third strike. She and I both knew all of this but left it unspoken. She told me that she's not really to go yet. That's a conversation you don't really want to have with a parent. I reassured her. "Polyps are very common," I told her, "and malignancies are most often found in men over the age of 55, not women." I have no idea where I had read this, but I had. Somewhere. "We have a family history of it," she pointed out. I ignored that. "The biopsy is a standard procedure. I'm sure everything will be fine, but it will be good to have those results. Until then, you should relax and in the future, you know to schedule regular screenings. If it's in your family history you should have been scheduling regular colonoscopy's starting at 45," I told her. "I know," she said, sounding like a reproachful child. I had said enough. I changed the topic and told her about how I planned to sit on my couch all weekend with my roommate out of town and try various lounging positions. She asked me if I got a new couch and I said, no but I rarely spend my time with it and I think it's getting out of shape. She laughed. I told her I'd check in over the weekend and to call me when the results were in hand. I hung up and thought about the situation. It's not necessarily positive, but I'd rather not jump to any conclusions until I have some real results. If it's the worse, then I'll jump in and take over. Until then, everyone is going to need me to provide reassurance. Deep down, I am concerned. I am very concerned. Colon cancer is a quick killer. It's also suspected of triggering other forms of cancer. If we are lucky, this will just be a signal that we need to keep closer tabs on her and more frequent screenings. On the other side, she may require treatment. If she requires treatment, I will need to make some adjustments. I will need to step in, I thought about what that might mean. I am prepared to do that. I thought about the worst case scenario, losing my mother, and realized for the first time that I need to prepare myself for that possible outcome. I'm ahead of myself. I realize that. It's my nature to plan. It's my profession to anticipate every potentional crisis, no matter how improbable and minute, and counterplan strategies and tactics for each of them. I guess that's partially why I am writing about it here. I need to see it to plan for it. Like I said, nothing can be done until we have the results. So now we all wait and I, start to plan. 7:29 p.m. - 2004-03-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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