graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crashing into Realization I should have read my horoscope before I left for the day. Taurus Horoscope: Swinging from one extreme to the other is a real possibility, Grace. You may discover that you are almost moved to tears over one scenario, and completely apathetic about the next. The day's energy can really add to these shifts, and the best thing may be for you to take it easy. If that long-distance phone commercial chokes you up, let the tears flow. What's the harm in that? Just go about your day slowly but surely, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Daily Numeroscope: You may find yourself feeling more energetic than usual today, Grace. Not only this, but the possibility of adventure and new experiences is sure to peak your interest, as well. This 1-Day can do so much for you in the pursuit of your life path. The more you do, the better you'll feel. Seek out excitement in the world around you, Seven, and if you enjoy writing, be sure to record your feelings about it all. _____________________________________ I was just in a car accident. I'm fine. Sore. Stiff. All internal organs intact and functioning. All apendages attached. No open wounds. That the human eye could detect. Just sore. I saw it coming. I always do. I've been in some serious accidents; it's been almost 10 years since the last one. It was interesting to see that my reaction to it is still the same.
I always see the accident in slow motion, not that cincematic slow motion that Hollywood directors egotistically shoot to show how many camera angles they can capture. I see it a few speeds faster, but slowly none the less. I saw the taxi I was in speeding to go through a light and I saw a Mercedes speeding up and cutting through lanes, I saw it right next to me, I watched the nose the car turn toward me and I watched inch by inch, without learning forward or clenching up, I watched as it closed in on my side of the car. Here it comes, I thought. Will it hit the bumper? Nope, missed it. Front tire? Nope. Front door? Here it comes! Here it Comes! Where will the Wheel of Fortune stop? Will I win the boat or the car? There it goes, there it goes...we have contact! CRASH!" It came right into my side, just like that other time years and years ago when a pick up truck pinned me inside my car. More than 10 years later, I find myself penned into another section of a car. I don't even move. I don't speak. I don't turn my head to look at the driver of the other vehicle next to me who is at a 45 degree angle to my face about a foot away. I do nothing. I just stare the front of the Mercedes that is now embedded into my taxi. And I really don't care. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the driver rolling down her window and I didn't even turn my head, wishing I could be invisible and avoid whatever type of confrontation was coming. She asked me if I was ok. I kinda smiled and said yes. I took my phone out and called my roommate. I asked my roommate if it would be ok for me to crawl out of the other side of the car and walk away from the whole thing. I tried to do that in the last accident also, but that time the engine had come through the steering column and had me pinned in the driver's seat. I tried to drive the car home. Shifted right into drive and said outloud, "Go, come on! Drive!" There must be some valve in my head that says if I can get away from it, then it didn't happen. I thought I was moving away from that attitude, but I guess you can't change everything at once. I kinda rolled over into a sitting fetal position and laid there staring out the window for about forty minutes as people periodically came by to check on me and asked me if I was injured. "Nope," I said. During that time I thought about the other car accidents I've been in and wondered why things like this happen to me. What is it about me that predisposes me to dangerous situations? What it is about me that I have thus far been lucky enough to walk away from them? After the police report was filed and we were released from the scene, the reality of what had happened sunk in. I was just hit by a car. I was in a car accident. Maybe I should stand up and make sure that I can. Are my hands shaking? Why are my hands shaking? I've got to get out of this car. Silent screaming in my head. GET OUT OF THIS CAR. GET OUT BEFORE YOU ARE HIT AGAIN. I got out on my block and tried to stretch my neck. Whiplash. Not a bad case of whiplash. Just running down the side of my neck that was closest to the side of impact. Interesting. I must have turned my head at some point. I got out of the car and bought myself a Chipwhich at the deli. "How are you Grace," they asked. "I'm fine," I smiled. "What's new, where are you coming from," they asked. "Just downtown," I replied. Just got hit by a car. Was in a car accident, I thought. Above all else, I can always function. This is something I know about me. I can function under extreme stress, when polluted with chemicals and alcohol or with pain. Sometimes I wish I would just stop being so functional. I wish I could just break down into a quivering puddle of mess so that I could let someone take over and care for me. The women in the other car were messes. They were high pitched and shaking and calling their husbands. They can be cared for. I, on the other hand, texted my cousin and friend to let them know I had been in accident but that everything was ok. I didn't even call. I thought about texting my friend that I was supposed to make plans with and let him know that I was delayed because I was in a an accident but I knew that would just make him panic and come down there to pick me up and I just didn't want a big deal. I wanted to be left alone. I thought about being alone while in the back of the car. I thought about how those women can live these full lives with husbands and maybe children as I live alone without someone special in my life to call and tell that I'd been in an accident, and I realized that the beginning and the end of their lives will be the same as mine. We are born alone in this world and we die alone. Such a morbid but true statement. Our journey is alone before and after this lifetime on earth. It's this in between that we make a shared experience. I should do a better job of the in between, I thought to myself. 7:00 p.m. - 2004-02-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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