graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Tugging at The Root of the Problem

There are thousands of ways to miss someone. There is also a way to start over. A way to pick up and keep going. Bad habits to resume for comfort.

*~*

I've reverted a little to my evil side.

I found out that my conversation with a guy Friday night, left him disheveled through the weekend. Apparently he spent the next two days questioning his existance, the way he treats women and trying to explain himself. This could be good. He also desparately tried to spend the weekend with someone, to no avail. This might also be good for him, but none of this was my place to judge or provoke.

I have a knack of digging in to the root of the issue that haunts a person. The issue that they spend all of their time avoiding and hiding, everyone has one, I have the ablity wrap my finger around that issue and tug on it, like loosening the soil around a shoot. And leaving them to deal with it.

I've always had a way of doing that -endlessly observing a person and their behavior. Looking through them and when so moved, to tell them what they already knew about themselves and had hidden. It's never maliciously spoken, it's never an aesthetic like height or beauty, it's an acknowledgement of that inner soul searching secret.

It's something that I did in high school and for much of college until someone pointed at this behavior and suggested that I stop it.

I did stop. On occasion since then, unusally when I've seen someone in my life wronged, I've used that skill. I guess it's now a defense tactic. It's not yelling, it's not ranting, it's never even loud. On the contrary, it's done very quietly. It's manipulative and it's bad karma and I recognize that and that's why I stopped doing it unless for a greater good.

I did it Friday night. I did it and I was wrong to do it. I did it partially in defense but more because I was feeling badly about myself and that's wrong.

I made that guy think. All weekend, stuck in his own head reflecting on his secret. Grappling with the problem that tugged outside and left him to solve.

I shouldn't have done that but I did.

And in fairness to him, he did it right back to me. That's unusual, people can rarely do that. Usually the shock of the tug is so startling that they cannot recover, they simply stop and listen while I question. He came back and made me question.

That's good. I like a worthy adversary. And right now I am evil with no one reason to turn myself around.

February, you like being a little bitch, don't you? It makes you feel better about being limited in days and tucked in the dead of winter. But do you really feel better? Does making me loathe you make you more powerful? I don't know.

9:00 p.m. - 2004-02-23

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