graceland's Diaryland Diary

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Here's to Epiphanies

Friday night was a reversion to college. I ended up going out with a bunch of college friends and this guy who is a friend of this other guy that I used to hang out with but cut off last spring and recently reinitiated contact with two weeks ago when trying to make right some old scores in my life. Got that?

If it were easy, you wouldn't be reading, now would you?

Yeah, so I took out this friend of the guy and my best friend who was feeling a little down and one by one the calls came into my phone and one by one familiar faces drifted into the bar. Shots were ordered. Round after round of shots.

I didn't even realize how drunk I had gotten until I watched my friend try to make out with a stranger and nearly fall of her stool. I heard myself slamming a nice guy I know, telling him that I think he's shady and when I ran out of points to make, I just looked at him and said, "you know what, I don't mean to pick on you, you're a good guy and who cares about this anyway? Who cares?"

Then I grabbed the back of my friend's collar as she was passing out while hugging a stranger who was in turn trying not to be strangled while moving her off of him, turned her around and marched her out of the bar.

"What time is it," she asked? "It's time for us to go," I replied. "Yes," she said as she swayed on the street and hiccuped, "it is time for us to go."

Today I laid on my couch, ripped my heart out and held it above my body as I watched Dead Man Walking, Steel Magnolia's and finally My Big Fat Greek Wedding to take the edge off. My eyes are so swollen they are almost sealed shut. My phone rang and rang and I just laid on my couch bleeding for the pain of fictional characters.

Now I'm thinking a little bit about something that guy said me last night. "Trust isn't something you earn, it's just something you give." I argued that you have to build trust and he corrected me, "no, you give trust. You have trust until it's broken, so you just don't break it."

I think bells started going off in my head. I've never given trust, I waited for each person in my life to earn it. If you wait around for someone to earn it, you'll be waiting your whole life. "There's nothing a person can do to earn trust," he continued. "That's why you have to give it first. And if it's broken, then you have to rebuild it. The woman I marry is going to have to trust me. I won't break that trust."

And that's when I grabbed my friend's collar. I realized at that exact moment that not only was I very drunk, but also that I had spent my adult life thus far doing everything perfectly, exactly, supremely wrong.

11:07 p.m. - 2004-02-21

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