graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God I hate February I struggle with the month of February. It's always a rough month for me. It's when the winter doledrums hit me full force. In the past, it's been a time when I've gotten myself into trouble. Full force crazy benders, adventures with man-boys who are no good for me, overall insane behavior. Strangely, I have no desire to do that this year. I've been cut off by someone who's been a big part of my life for two years. I don't know if this is a permanent thing or what, but I do know that for once in my life a situation is out of my control and I find that completely unsettling. I mean, who cuts me off? No one. Not ever. I am the cutter. I am the breaker upper. I am the one who walks away with no feeling. Until now. And really, it makes me sad. That said, I'm not a wallower and I'm certainly not one to beg. Too much pride. I've kept myself very busy. Work is very active, so it takes my mind of this situation. My mind is never completely occupied so as not to think about it, or to think about him. I do wonder. Primarily, I hope that he's ok because he's going through a difficult time. I try to remember that this isn't about me, but it's hard because I've also just realized how utterly self-centered I am to be wondering if he hates me when he has much greater things to focus on than me. Last night I went to see Power Ballad night at Don Hills and that was great, so much fun. I met some really amazing people and had a ball singing along with each and every cheesy cover and then I thought, I should call him! This would crack him up. And then I remembered, he cut me off. There's no more calling. I bought my brother a moped last week and it arrived this week, so it's been exciting to listen to him talk about it and all his plans for his bike. I wanted to tell my friend about that also, because he and I have gone back and forth a number of times about whether or not I should buy this for my brother and we both thought no, he's too old, but there are other factors now. It wasn't what we had thought it would be - like an electric scooter - it's more in the vein of a motorcycle and my brother now thinks he's like one of the guys on American Chopper. I also sent my brother the new Sirius radio unit for his car and his first cellphone as gifts, just because. He's so excited that it makes me excited. It's like Christmas. A friend of mine who is an up and coming rockstar called another friend of mine as a favor and sang to her for her birthday. She was so excited I thought she might explode. He would have thought that was cool. I sent flowers as a surprise to a friend of mine this week because she's been having a rough couple of weeks. It's always exciting to send flowers. I received the traditional Valentine's Day bouquet from my Dad today, which is reaching a point of embarrassment at 30, but still thoughtful of him to do. I bought an airbed for my apt. and also a circa 1970 photo of Burt Bacharach signed by the man himself for my crazy friend A. He's going to be super excited about that. I went to a framing shop and priced out framing that photo as well as one other thing I picked up for my friend MD. I also placed a bid on a very special housewarming gift for my brother, cousin and friend and that I am desparately hoping to win at auction. It's an exquisite piece of furniture for their new house. I would have told him all of this if we were speaking, but we aren't and we probably won't ever speak again, so I'll just record it all here for posterity. I've been managing a new side project and I am arranging a business trip for us to Nashville where she's going to audition for song publishers. I've been working long days setting that up, networking, researching, etc. I have a long weekend this weekend and made a lot of different plans. I'm looking forward to it. I guess it's just weird to be in this place. I'm not really a person to open up to people, so to do so and have them disappear is new to me. I guess this is my due. My karmic payback right? With that in mind, last week, I started to backtrack. I contacted several men that I've done this to in the past and made an effort to repair the damage I'd done when I did the very same thing. I've logged in the phone time with all of the friends that I screen or rarely catch up with. I've made myself available. I have reached out far and wide. FAR and WIDE. I even replied to a girl from high school this week who tracked me down via classmates.com. And Monday night I'll be going to see Cat Power. I'm looking forward to seeing her live, I am a massive fan. Things are on track. I'm refocusing. I think I'm going to learn from this experience. Finally. I can't be walking around kicking people to the curb on a whim, even if I think it's for their own good because I have a tendency to corrupt even the most golden hearted. Things are good. Even though it's February. 8:46 p.m. - 2004-02-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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