graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And she goes from being loved to being alone Let's see. This weekend I pretty much figured out that a guy I had a crush on pretty much doesn't have a crush on me at all, when we were hanging out around 7am and he passed me off to the guy friend of the girl he ended up working. So that was pretty bad. I fled the scene of the crime, ended up drunkenly falling face down in my closet on top of my collapsable hamper, hitting my head against a heel of a boot, cheek on the bottom of my hamper, staring at my hand that was still gripping a heineken. Alone, because in my realization that everything I had planned had careened (as usual) so utterly and hopelessly wrong, I abandoned the other two guys who *did* want to go home with me. Two and a half. I'm pretty sure the third would have come home too but I had already aggravated him earlier in the night when he tried to ask me what changed about me in the last few months to make me seem so distant and I stared at him blankly. But you know, I'm resilent. So there's my best guy friend whom I haven't seen since we returned from Mexico. I don't know why I haven't seen him, I just haven't. He calls and sometimes I answer but I always say I have other plans. This weekend he asked me if I was avoiding him, trying to cut him off. And that brings me to the hattrick I pulled today. Today marks the day that I may have executed the biggest mistake of my life. Today, I cut off the most balanced, possibly good person in my life. My confidante, my voice of reason and my friend. Snipped the apron strings right off. Haven't heard from him since. And why would I? I am a fucking mess. The thought crossed my mind today that I should just walk myself down to the East River tonight and propel myself in. But frankly, I'm too much of a coward to even do that. So then my best guy friend reached out again and begged me to meet him after work for drinks. He was across the street from my office. I hemmed and hawed, he called me out. He said that he would wait for me but if I weren't going to show up then to please call so he wouldn't be there all night. I am a terrible person. So I decided to go. I was on my way to see him, when he called and changed his mind. He asked me again if I was cutting him off and I said no, that I was on my way to see him but he told me not to bother, that he was finishing up and leaving. I wasn't even late, I guess he had a change of mind. I can't win. I really can't. This may officially be the biggest mess I have thus far created. Now it's a blizzard and I am tired and desparate to in someway fix some of this. I have no idea how to fix any of it. I'm going to go out in this storm and buy some pot, get high and get drunk. That will in no way fix any of it but at least it will help be forget that all of this happened until tomorrow. Maybe I will have an answer then. 7:35 p.m. - 2004-01-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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