graceland's Diaryland Diary

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The Bell Jar is Cracked

I'm depressed. Yesterday, I worked to motivate myself to start planning for the future.

I updated my resume and then I spent hours online researching business plans, small business organizations and guidelines to set up your own business, researching grants and loans available and the criteria to secure them. I hit a dead end. I have no collateral. I don't have a savings account and there's not a single thing of value (to a lending institution) that I own. No property, no car, nada. I bet I could sell all my shit, everything in my world, and make about 6k total for it. And that's because I can sell anything. That is sad. That is sadder than sad. That is depressing.

So here I am, looking to start my own business with no clients lined up, no credit worth speaking of (did I mention that?)and no collateral for a loan.

So I'm thinking about that and my roommate tells me that she's moving out. On Saturday. This Saturday. Thanks for the notice. But that's whatever. I can deal with that. That starts the wheels movin'. My lease is up in May. I need to move out and find my own place for the first time in my life. How will I get my own place with bad credit and no savings? Furthermore, who's renting a place to a girl who quit her job and is starting up her own fledgling new business?

So the order seems to be, apt first, business later. If I have to hold off on starting my own business, then I need to switch jobs. I hate my job. I've thought about doing an office space thing this week where I just don't wake up for work. Intentionally. And they call me at home and I'm like, "Yeahhhh, I'm not going to come in today. And I'm not going to come in tomorrow either."

And in this perfect non-working world, I will lie on my bed and think about Nothing. Not about my future or lack thereof, not about my personal life - a sinking canoe riddled with bullet holes, not about my parents who I will disappoint by giving in, not about my friends who might want to tell me something or require my advice, not about everyone else in this world who seems to know basic things like how to save a portion of a paycheck or how to love someone else and be loved. Is lovable. The basics. I will not think about the fact that I have never said the phrase "I love you" outloud. I will not think about the fact that everyone who's said that phrase to me has never meant it in the way that I need it to mean right now.

If I take this break from the world. I will just. Not. Think. At all.

Not at all. I will lean up against the big pillows on my bed and stare out of my sliding glass doors, watching the outside world. But I will not think.

It's the thinking that got me here.

That, and watching the Eagles lose. Watching them strike out again struck a chord for me. The Eagles and I are similar beasts, we can get there, to the playoffs, because we have a lot of heart, but in the end heart just isn't enough to win the big game. And sometimes, hearts get injured and just get in the way.

I could go on. I could tell you about the friend from college I heard from yesterday who is giant, raging, smashing success.

I could tell you that I feel like I have packed on about 15 lbs from all of this travel and lack of spinning. That I feel repulsive.

Or we could talk about my face that is windburnt so badly that I look like I have a June sunburn, so I have to put lotion on it everyday that's now making me break out.

But those things are trival in the grand scheme of how I feel right now. There is no future for me. There will be no bright spots. So why even get out of bed and go to work?

There's no point.

7:29 p.m. - 2004-01-20

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