graceland's Diaryland Diary

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All Growed Up

I'm not exactly sure how today happened. It's not like I made any life changing New Years resolutions. But suddenly, like life happens, I woke up and changed my path. In a matter of seconds.

I didn't plan it, I didn't think it through, I didn't wear anything special today. I just woke up late, showered and rushed to work in the rain, pretty much like it was any other day. I got to work and read an e-mail from the guy I've been e-mailing and speaking with nearly every day for over a year and a half.

And then I sent him an e-mail telling him that I have feelings for him beyond friendship. It's not like it was a surprise to either of us, I suspect. But there it was, written out for him to read and me to let go of.

His response was thoughtful and kind, and indicated that the feeling isn't reciprocated and won't be anytime soon for reasons beyond our control. Maybe that's bullshit and maybe it's not. But there it is. Out there in the great beyond or in this case, on a computer North of NYC and across the border.

I guess for anyone else, this is the normal course of events. It's anything but normal for me. I've never been the first to tell anyone I had feelings for them before so I'm at bit at a loss as to what to do with this lackluster response at my first attempt. Not too mention that I'm pretty picky amd rarely like anyone, let alone have feelings for someone.

Generally, how it works is that a guy approaches me and makes a move. I either accept or decline. Simple. However, the last guy I was interested in apparently didn't get that memo and that 4 month debacle ended up in a crash and burn. I share a good part of the blame in that for not being to say how I felt about him when he asked me the question. Instead, paralyzed in emotional fear, I walked away from him. In fact, I walked away from him several times. And now he is very happy with someone else. Surprisingly, I am very happy for him. He wasn't for me.

This situation is different than every other situation I've been in.

I guess I should feel badly or disappointed about what happened, but I honestly don't. I also don't feel like what I started today is finished by any means.

It's refreshing really. It's not my problem anymore.

This is GREAT. I feel like a new person!

I think this is the start of something new for me. Happy New Year:-)

8:31 p.m. - 2004-01-05

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