graceland's Diaryland Diary


It was a good fight

I am thinking that maybe I am here on Earth to be God's toy. Like maybe God's put me here to vent.

So instead of taking out his wraith on some innocent people, he just shoots some misery my way every so often. Like, he's pissed about a whole bunch of issues so he decides to dangle happiness within my reach and watch me try to grab at it like a starved child jumping toward rations.

I have been musing the theory that maybe, a strong maybe, I cannot be loved. Like I can be loved as a friend, strongly loved, but because I have so much of that, I can't be loved romantically. That's my latest theory. I cannot be loved. Someone call Bob Marley because I know the answer to his question. It is not possible for someone to fall in love with me.

I used to think that the reverse was true, that I couldn't fall in love, but I learned otherwise a few months ago. God was having a bad few months there because he elaborately baited me along and then brought it all to a halt by having the object of my affections give me the Heisman. He played the friend card. That was awesome. After 3 months of standing in as his girlfriend, he broke it down that I am one of his best "girl-friends." That rocked. YEAH!

I give up. What's the point? It's never going to happen.

I'm done. I quit. I'm f-ing tired of fighting the inevitable. It's over.

9:14 p.m. - 2003-11-03


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