graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is me, kicking the world's ass Sometimes it's an enormous struggle for me. It's like me in one corner of the boxing ring, fast on my feet and moving, zoning in on my opponent - My World. I don't know what kind of world anyone else lives in, but mine is a goliath of a bitch. A big bitch who's most lethal weapon is the way that she can play with your mind. Sometimes she just grasps my mind like goo in her talons. She makes me part of her and it hurts to function in her world. There are images around of women I will never be as pretty as and chicks in movies I will never be as badass as and girls in porn I will f*ck as good as. It's just the truth, and My World puts that in my head letting me evaluate them from every angle in high definition images and crystal clear airbrushed photos. And sometimes that f*cks with my head. Because then you start playing that comparison game, you know? That, if I did this or I said that would I be as hot as her? Would I rock it as hard as her? And then I start thinking about those societal demigoddesses. Halle. Demi. Britney. Jennifer. Uma. Jenna. Selma. Sharon. They're supposed to be what "my world" considers perfection. That's what we [women] are working toward right? Or I should say, the women who are trapped in the My World mindset that I am referring to. But it's not working for them. They don't have it all. Their relationships didn't work out. So if their relationships didn't work out - for whatever reason - what's the hope that mine will? If I'm to believe the worship of those women that is practiced in My World, I'm not on a level playing field to START with. So what does that mean for me? And THAT, the above, is EXACTLY the way that My World f's with me. Until I step out of that world. When I open my eyes and look around me at the imperfection that lives within all of us. That girl is with that guy. Her hair is thin and her legs are big. That guy is too short and he's balding. They're in love. They don't wish they were with someone better, they are happy together. I see my parents married for 42 years. My Dad looks at my Mom when she's talking. He's not looking at the waitress or a woman walking through the door. I look at my friend A's parents. Same deal. His brother and his wife. He's not going to strip clubs after work. She's not fantasizing about the gardener. They are happy. People can fall in love. People can be happy together. Not everyone gets stuck in My World. The fight is tiring, but it feels good to beat Goliath. 10:40 p.m. - 2003-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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