graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leaving bad behavior behind Friday I had the most insane cramps known to mankind and therefore, proceeded to load myself up with any and all drugs offered. Drugs swallowed, sniffed and inhaled. All night. It was like college all over again and let me tell you, it wasn't worth it. Around 3am, I got busted by the owner of my neighborhood bar with a key up my nose and I thought to myself, what the fuck am I doing? Seriously, what am I doing? And yeah, I'm not married and I don't have kids and I don't have a habit and I didn't pay for it, but seriously, this is retarded. It's not making me feel better, now I felt worse. I could feel my faux halo slipping as the desperate feeling sank deep into me that I had let this guy down and in turn, let me down. And so I spiraled into the great white abyss of guilt and angst into dawn and beyond. And that sucked. I crashed hard and suddenly I remembered why I stopped doing drugs years ago. Drugs suck. I freaked out on myself, hightailed it out the strangers apt where I had gone for late night, and found myself alone on the streets of NYC, pacing on the empty sidewalk as the sun rose behind me and my nose started to clog up from missing it's now regular feeding. The newspaper drop off man pulled up next to me and asked me if I needed help. Wrong question, buddy. I punished myself relentlessly on Saturday. I hid out in my apt for more than 30 hours, emerging on Sunday to go to the gym and get my act together. Sunday I finally shook the demons, faced those I had been out with on Friday night who knew none of what I had done, and hosted a BBQ. Monday I called in sick. And I was sick. I was sick of being inside of my head, sick from working so hard and working out even harder. Just sick. Monday brought peace of mind. I pulled my shit together. And that pretty much brings me up today. I reapplied myself to work this week. Worked on sharpening my focus. Bad Behavior is behind me. I'm back on track. 7:56 p.m. - 2003-10-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||