graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Searching for the impossible Things are still good with me, but I've been spending some time thinking about all of my failed male relationships. It's the last one that I've been thinking about, that guy friend I had who kinda vanished. I saw him on my birthday night. He tried to talk to me, but I ignored him. The bar was closing and he wanted to talk to me and someone else came up to say hi and I grabbed my raincoat and just walked out. Kinda shoved past him, since he was blocking my way, and ran out into the rain. Drama. Always, drama, I know. He texted me after I left and I was going to ignore it like I did his other calls and texts, but I was drunk and angry with him. More than anything, I am angry with him. I trusted him. I let him in. I talked to him, I told him things that I've never told anyone. Things that I've never spoken outloud. More than anything, I never lied to him, even when I was lying to myself. Like I said, I've thought about him. And I thank him, for showing me how to have a best friend. I don't think I ever understood that before. I've always had a lot of friends, but never a friend like he and I were friends. Never that feeling that I could tell someone everything without freaking them out or judging me. I'll admit that I tend to seek out men as friends probably because my Dad was always my best friend and because, growing up, I've always gotten into the worst situations with other girls and I've had to be the one to get us out of the situations. I've had be the strong one. I haven't been in a dangerous situation with any girl who's been able to take control and bail us out. I have to do the rescuing. So I seek the company of men, probably for security and because I can relinquish control. He wasn't that in control, but he was definitely tougher than I was. In some ways. He gave me a nod too, saying that he'd never met anyone as strong as him until he met me. We had code between us. It was unspoken, but the underlying common denominator was that each us was a warrior who had fought our battles. We'd fight for each other if the other was in danger, but we both knew, it would never come to that because each of us is strong enough to fight our own way out. He's the only person I've ever met that I thought that about and I've met a lot of people. So yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry that I trusted the wrong person. I'm angry that I had a best friend and he disappeared. I'm angry that I remember what it was like to have someone like that in my life because I don'tknow if I'm going to make another friendship like that. I'm angry that he thinks he can walk in and out without consquences. I'm angry that I gave him this power over me. He shouldn't have that power. I gave it to him and he never asked for it. I gave it. And it's with all of these thoughts, that I've thought of the other men I've known or been with in the last few years. Many of the same mistakes. If I could just map it out, make a grid and identify a pattern or a moment when things go south...if I could just get that on paper, maybe this ridiculosity of bizarre male relationships in my life would stop and finally, finally, I might open myself up and take the leap into an actual relationship. Maybe. 11:11 p.m. - 2006-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||