graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life experiences Last night was weird. I really don't even what to write about it. It kinda gives me the green monkeys, for no reason in particular. Partially because it made me wonder about the number of college classmates who I've run into over the last year and made the comment, "well, you were one of the cool group, so you wouldn't know," and specifically wonder why they thought I was cool and what it mattered anyway? College is college, it's a community of people right? There's no cool and not cool, it's college. You just find your group of friends. Second, you should be having fun with your group of friends, making memories, right? College was a great chunk of time in my life. We had endless good times. I don't get this whole cool rap that I keep getting and I'm really starting to wonder what people saw in me at college that I am just not seeing. Moreover, who's still thinking about this stuff? I said to this guy last night who got all weird with me about college, "but things have been good right? You're established in New York City and having a good time, met cool people, dated, whatever, since college?" He wouldn't let it go. And then he got bitter about being engaged and gave some crazy speech about girls who mistreated and shut down guys in college who couldn't communicate their feelings need to be told what that was like...they need to feel what it was like. I don't know. I don't think he was talking about me, I definitely hope he wasn't, but the whole scenario totally flipped me OUT. That, and the fact that he told me that I spent the first night of college drinking in his room and was able to name everyone there and what we drank. Clearly he had a different experience than I did. On top of this, I am hanging out with the guy I used to hang out with and his GF and their other friends and my close guy friend. My guy friend spent the night telling me that if his relationship doesn't work out because I won't be friendly with his GF, he will never forgive me. That's a whole other section of the evening. We won't even go there. So I did my thing and talked to some other people, desparately trying for everything to be chill. At some point the GF of the guy I used to hang out with left, my guy friend said she "stormed out," I have no idea, I didn't see it. And this guy stays to hang out with me until closing. I started to feel weird about it as we were sitting at the bar talking and I said, "I should go." I started to put my coat on and he stared at me and said,"I'm not ready to leave yet." I don't know why I stayed. There's this weird connection with him. We talked about it, or rather, around it, last night. Addressed it as a weird commonness between us. We say the same thing at the same time a lot. In conversation or on IM. More than a lot, it happens a couple of times each day. Sometimes I'll start to say something and he'll finish my thought and then I'll pick it up where he left off and the whole point is made in this bizarre conversational relay race. This time around, I think most of the sexual tension is gone. There may always be something there for me, maybe not for him. It's clear that he's with someone and they are in love or at least have strong feelings for each other and strangely, this is comforting to me. When we hung out, it was like...an escalating crescendo. Like during a movie, when something is about to happen and the music builds and builds, faster, louder. That who it was when we were together a lot. But the music built for months until there was an explosion. The explosion was between us. It happened in a bar and then on the street and then in another bar. I can barely remember how it ended. I just remember the next day, knowing that had been the last time we would be like that and that we could never hang out again. Calling him the next day and leaving him this insane cryptic message that only he would understand and him calling me back later to talk about it and me saying there was nothing left to talk about it. That it was done with and that I felt good about it. That this was the best way for things to go. And now here we are. I think things are in a good place. I think being friends is doable now. I think our connection is just something that a person can be lucky to experience in life but doesn't mean anything beyond the fact that it's a special connection between two people. We left after last call. We hugged good night on the sidewalk and I walked home alone. I didn't turn around but I knew he watched me get to my door before he hailed a taxi home, making sure I got in, just a nice gesture among friends. 4:05 p.m. - 2004-04-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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