graceland's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And this is where I self-destruct I've been in bed for hours but there isn't any sleep happening. I keep writing and rewriting the same letter over in my mind: Dear X: I haven't responded to your e-mails because I think it's time for me to remove myself from this equation. You're a great guy and one of the best friends I have ever known. The unfortunate thing is that the last thing I need right now is another friend. I've become too involved with you, attached in a way that is going to lead to disappointment for both of us. With that in mind, I think it's best for us both to take a step back. We could continue this, what we've been doing, and we would get closer and then we would meet and we would have a great time. We would hang out and I would probably your new best friend, because that's what I am, everyone's new best friend. That's what I do. You would probably fall for my roommate, because she's the girl that all the guys fall for, and I would smile and get out of your way. That would hurt but I would smile through it and never show a crack in my veneer. That's how it works. That's the pattern. It doesn't change, it just repeats. I'm the girl that's the great friend. I'm the girl who's a great time. I'm the one they dance with and they hug and they tell stories about. I'm the girl who will always be alone. I'm the girl that no one feels bad for because they think I have the world on a string - how could anything be wrong, everyone loves her? I'm the worse kind of alone because I am surrounded by people who love me, but none of them truly love me. A. said I'm not a Mother right now. That's I couldn't be one right now, that hurt. It doesn't hurt because I want to be a mother right now, it hurts because he's telling me that a piece of me is missing. I am void. Incomplete. So I'm sorry to have cut you off but there was no other choice. I can't do this again. Maybe it's selfish, but I'm tired of being a stepping stone to everyone else's happiness. I just want my own happy ending and it's not being written here. ~*~ And this is maybe where I cry, because I am so tired of this happening to me. Tired of my own pattern: trying to build a tower with my blocks, looking over at roommates' tower and thinking that my tower will never be as tall or a great as hers, so why bother? And I knock my tower down and walk away from blocks altogether. What's the point? I'll never measure up. 4:36 a.m. - 2003-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||